Thursday, April 18, 2013

I Run - thinking of Boston

a wise man once said

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old."

and I have been thinking of these words lately because I am angry.  And I'm angry not because some one has attacked a country but because they attacked many countries.  They attacked the spectators at a running event finish line.!!!!   And that makes me mad.

A little background.  I have not always been a runner.  I am not a fast runner ... as a matter of fact I would have been about 2 hours away from harm in Boston.  But I am a runner - now.   I used to be a drunk, a druggie, a loser, a drop-out, a liar and a thief.   But now I am a runner.  And when I run I remember to thank the spectators for coming out & the volunteers for being there.   And when I cross a finish line I thank God for keeping me alive long enough for me to be grateful for the life I have.  Most finish lines I cross I have tears in my eyes,  because I remember my first.

In 2007, after my very first Learn To Run class, when she asked,  I told the nice instructor that I had not been sure if I was going to run for a minute or have a massive heart attack - and that was the truth.  Heart disease runs in my family.  I was 248lbs and had buried my uncle only a couple of months before.  I would lose my father within a year but he was already dying.  and at the end of the clinic when I ran the 4.35km "5k" target race ... there were tears in my eyes.  Tears of joy & gratitude and a few that I had suppressed when I was a child probably snuck out too.    In less than 20 months I would run myself into the ground and  experience an injury that I feared would prevent me from ever running again and force me to not toe the line for my second half marathon for almost 24 months.   But I came back and I run  ... I have a 5:32:55 personal best marathon time ... and that was the first of the four that I've run.  But I Am A Runner!  

And this week some cowards tried to hurt runners - an attack on me by extension.  I had friends in Boston & family of friends in those spectators.   I am hurt, and mad ... I was AFRAID, but now I am MAD.  So those cowardly low-lifes who attacked the Boston Marathon on Patriots Day should pray that I don't find them ... because I would not be nice to them.

What I will do is "I will Run".  I will continue to live my life as if that never happened.  I will watch for cowards and enemies but I will never surrender.  Because if we stop living the cowards win.   And That Ain't Gonna Happen.  




Monday, March 4, 2013

Reflections

Having had another wave of mortality affect my social circle and extended family,  I am reflecting on what it is that makes life worry living.

What is LOVE?  What does gratitude mean to me?  Why do so many people actually choose to suffer i am our society while  in other parts of the world there are people who would gladly settle for what we see as abject poverty in our world?

As I reflect,  I am reminded to count my blessings.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

pretty quiet in here ...  But is that a good thing or a bad thing?   Well, I have been busy "Living & Enjoying" life.   I've been doing a bit of procrastinating ...  doing some of that as I type this entry.   Besides that ... there isn't all that much  I am willing to share with the entire universe in the last little while.

If you haven't been told lately, You're Loved.  If you haven't told anyone else those very words lately ... what are you waiting for?  Hug your kids or go call your mom ... or somebody else who needs to hear your voice.  I promise you won't regret it.

Monday, December 31, 2012

So it has been a year.   About this time last year I was talking to a young doctor asking about the likelihood that they would be able to do anything for a broken hip  ... when they couldn't get her vitals to stabilize.    I have an opinion about what happened but I also have faith in the PTB and know that it is all just a game of GuidedByWill ...  So I cannot second guess the outcome.  Trust the process & observe the universe unfolding.   Know that there will be pain & joy, good & evil, happiness & sorrow in perfect harmony & eternal balance.  As it was in the beginning  ... is now ... and is yet to be.  

I am changed - not as inclined to suffer fools.  More jaded and yet softer at the same time ...   But it has been a year that I will not miss as it passes into the mists of time.

Be good to yourselves.  Be kind to your fellow travelers ...  and do no harm.  Contrary to many folks belief ... we are watching ... and there will be a price to pay.   At least that is what GOD said to me the last time he threw me back ...  

Keep The Faith

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Lets Talk About Priorities ...

So I have some strong opinions.  I have been accused of being a red-neck, an ass and a conservative, although never all three at the same time.   However, I do have strong opinions; many of them objectionable and less than  Politically Correct.   It is MY RIGHT!

I have that right for the same reason that we are not all speaking German, Japanese and Italian the world over.   I have the right to freedom of speech and association & thought because when the  liberty and freedom of the world was threatened,  some people who didn't think it was right to hide their head in the sand and let injustice steam-roller over them took a stand.  They drew a line and, like Gandalf the Grey, said  "you shall not pass".  Then proceeded to do 'Whatever It Took' to ensure that a stop was put to those that would trample the world & its people under foot.   They were people of a different time & they had different values ...

Today,  we wouldn't stop Hitler because society would be too busy trying to coddle and console him  for all of the circumstances that led him to "act out"  ...  Oh, Wait!  That is what the leaders of Europe did  ... until it became obvious that he was out to destroy the world.   Until we had to take a stand and lay down many lives to bitch-slap him and his buddies back to reality.

Fast Forward

Mid to late sixties,  school children are taught that there was a war and evil and death walked among us.  The brave soldiers went to fight the wave of evil; many died and in the end "We Won".     Our way of life was preserved & although the cost was unthinkable  ... the freedom and liberty we enjoyed was ultimately worth the sacrifice.   On November 11th, the anniversary of the armistice of the first great war  we would honour the fallen and the survivors of all the wars.   We would mark a day of remembrance!  The children memorized a poem about poppies in a field in Flanders ... (it is more than a Simpson's character) ... and little Plastic poppies are sold to help fund veterans and to quote the Royal Canadian Legion " Since 1921, the Poppy has stood as a symbol of Remembrance, our visual pledge to never forget all those Canadians who have fallen in war and military operations.  "   Schools, businesses and government would take the day off and remember  ... Because IF WE EVER FORGET we might have to learn that very costly lesson all over again.
Fast Forward

Mid seventies, school will maybe take a moment of silence, if the teacher isn't too busy, or high, to spare a though.  Business are inconvenienced by having to stay closed half a day ...  and people who are anti-war actually have the audacity to spit at veterans.  After all, we don't remember what it was like to ration ... for the cause ... because somewhere along the way we started to believe that  "The Man" is evil and whatever I/WE want is fine and there is no reason for me/us to go without.  - The cracks are becoming noticeable.  Public schools pay lip-service to Remembrance Day  ... but the meaning and the memory is slipping away as the first generation dies and as tv replaces reality with mindless moving pictures spit out like a teen-aged boy's wad in the faces of the masses.  And the news ... starts to bend the truth for ratings. 

Fast Forward

The Eighties ... if I could remember it I'd talk about how the slow erosion steadily picked up momentum,  but I self-medicated and just watched from behind empty soul-less eyes.   A husk of the boy I had been decaying into drug-induced apathy.  Not unlike many of those around me.   The decay of morality, values and honour continued ... fractured families produced generation after generation of selfish bastards all addicted to something either chemical or worse - instant gratification!!!!   Remembrance Day is televised and I see fewer and fewer ... increasingly frail veterans ... My heart, what is left of it, breaks as I realize that they are dying off. Taking with them the memory of the horror - the horror that is WAR!  If they don't share that knowledge, these video-game addicts will start to believe that we all have three lives and that there are "extra" lives to be found along the way.   They will start to think that you can shoot a guy and he will regenerate later in the game.  Because they will not be mentally capable of conceiving of that guy who was beside you a moment ago ...  he took one in the head.  And that wet red splatter that is running down the side of your face is his brains and blood and bits of his skull ... He is not coming back; and the last thing you said to him will FOREVER be the last words you said to him - period.  Remembrance Day ... is a good day for business because the shops are open and the highly paid government employees are off work.  If you're lucky, your boss will give you the day off - maybe half a day.  After all, it is just another day and there is work to do.

Fast Forward

The nineties ... I Remember ... --- ...   Croatia, Somalia, Haiti, Rwanda, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina.   They called it Peace Keeping ... newsflash, you only need peacekeepers if you have something that looks a lot like the horrors of WAR.    Some would say - but those guys are not veterans - but would those same intellectual giants care to step up and experience what was seen by those who went "Over There"?     They are no less veterans than the WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam vets.  Maybe you were too busy to notice but war didn't take a holiday.  And we are so proud that we had a reputation as peacekeepers but some might say sending a soldier into a field of operation / conflict  and telling him he cannot do "whatever it takes" to make it stop is cruel ... inhuman ... unconscionable.   And when they come back all f-d up you cannot understand because you honestly believe that there is a difference.  It ain't all rainbows, unicornsand butterflies.  If it was easy, industry would go do the job and exploit everyone to make a profit in the process.  No they are soldiers; their job is to HOLD THE LINE.  Their job is to step into harm's path and say "You Shall Not Pass"  ... We ask them to do this job and on November 11th We Remember - it is called Remembrance Day.
Fast Forward

It is a new millennium !  A quiet stirring as the last of or WW1 veterans dies off.  It may just become fashionable to remember  ...   Some of us shake our heads.  What is it you want to remember?  Them???  The Stories???   The HORROR??????  Okay, we'll take what little we can get.  As long as they Remember; to quote Martha Stewart, "that's a good thing".   Slowly but surely the Remembrance Day ceremonies start to become more  ... important.  We put them on tv.  They are not important enough to insist that nobody works, but we can give the rich the day off.  We can put on a good show ... for the masses, as long as the ratings are there.  After all we must watch the bottom line.  [teach your children well]   I Remember ... --- ...   Macedonia, Kosovo, Croatia, Lybia, Afghanistan, Iraq in the Persian Gulf and more ... yes more.  They step up when they are needed; unconditionally.   Imagine that ...

Are We There Yet?  Have we arrived at today?

If you have read this far, you will reap the benefits of understanding what this is all about.  Today I needed a poppy for my lapel.  You see mine was on my leather jacket, has been for a week, but I was wearing a suit. Today I needed a poppy and I was at the Rideau Center - the largest retail destination in all of downtown Ottawa.   So I went looking, and you'll never guess what I discovered.

When I was a child, you couldn't go into a store at this time of year and not see a poppy box.  Drop in a coin and take a poppy.  No Cash, no problem, take a poppy and donate to the legion when you can.   It was important to show your gratitude and respect for the price/sacrifice by a simple display.  I WEAR MY POPPY ON REMEMBRANCE DAY !    I do it because I was taught to do that.  I cannot personally thank the men who bled out on Juno beach that day ... or at  Passchendaele ...  or in countless other conflicts that I have not managed to name.   I cannot thank the mothers for letting their sons go off to fight and die unspeakable deaths on far-off shores  ...  but I can wear a small plastic poppy.  If I could find one.  And today I passed by many many stores that did NOT have a box of poppies at their cashes ... and I was annoyed.  Because those f-ers want my money ... want your money ... want to enjoy all the perks and benefits of the freedom and liberty, but they don't want to risk losing a few cents to a Poppy-Drive box at their point of sale.

I found a poppy; it took more than half a kilometer but I found a poppy.  I put my coffee down on a kiosk in the mall to pin it to my lapel and some harried shop-keeper (who is too cheap to pay full rent for a shop) came scurrying over to insist that I not put my coffee there ... Move it right away ... I lifted it and placed it on the floor at my feet while I told her that she didn't have enough inventory that I couldn't replace it ALL were I to have an accident.   ... FFS!  It takes less than 4 seconds to pin a poppy to your lapel  ... unless you have to stop to relocate a coffee; then it takes eight.

I guess it is all about priorities.    Today, mine was to get a poppy and show some respect and gratitude.    It takes looking for a poppy to realize that I will not be spending much money at the Rideau Center any time soon.   After all,  If you're not wearing and selling poppies. how do I know that you are not secretly plotting against my freedom and liberty?   Or worse ... ?


Saturday, October 27, 2012

Running On Empty ...

So you never know how hard it is until you are alone with your own thoughts. [here I lie, in my hospital bed. tell me Sister Morphine when are you coming round again ... ]  I do not do alone very well. [oh & I don't think I can wait that long] I thrive on chaos and distraction.  There are reasons for that but you don't need to know ...  suffice to say that without some external stimuli the echoes in my head get louder & louder until a full out artillery barrage would be a welcome relief.


Today was one of those days.  I had overslept, I had eaten well  & enjoyed two cups of coffee.  I turned on the TV for some background static and stopped on some Bollywood movie with subtitles ... and then proceeded to stare out the window watching the birds & the grey skies from a chair in the middle of the living room.   Within 20 minutes I was crying  ... the emptiness in my soul was unbearable and my life was a pathetic waste of time.  Why did I survive?    The self-loathing was palpable and the self-pity was out of control ... I was lost and the tears came.  

Now don't get me wrong, I am fine with that;  I recognized it for the self-deception that it was immediately. [Well it just goes to show things are not what they seem ... please, sister morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams.  Oh, can't you see I'm fading fast, & that this shot will be my last?]  I let the tears run their course (after all they are so therapeutic)  and then I pulled my head back together.   I thought of three things in my life for which I am grateful  ... "count your blessings" ... and then I made a note to ensure that I wrote about this.  I poured another coffee and settled into the hole-in-my-soul for a review of the blackness.   [Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head. Come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed]    Yes I am alone; no it will not kill me.  Yes I am feeling helpless; no I am not cowering in a closet with a knife to my own throat. [because you know and I know in the morning I'll be dead and you can sit around, yeah and you can watch all the clean white sheets stained red.]   Yes I am afraid that my life will amount to nothing;  no there is no proof that that is true.  Yes I do feel like I am and have achieved less that I am capable of ... but I am still proud of my contribution.   You see, I Am Fifth Business.   

I will likely never be the leader, although I can lead if necessary   I may never be rich, but I buy lottery tickets in case God has an alternate plan, but my life is filled with priceless moments.   I may never be important but the play cannot go on without me ... I Am Fifth Business.    I am a linchpin in a world of chaos.  I am moved here & there by circumstances to ensure that the universe does not come flying apart at the seams; and then I am off to the next happenstance.  My needs are met along the way, but comfort always eludes me.  I am never satisfied & frequently want to escape yet I never act out on the urge.  And when the universe get to be too much & life is too painful and empty for me to continue.  "The Powers That Be" throw me a bone [ I can like your face, I can bite it too.  My teeth got rabies ... gonna give em to you.  Feed me, Feed Me  Can't you hear me howl.Feed Me; I'm a dammed dog now...]   some random baby make eye contact & I hear God's voice in my head assuring me that it is all good.    Some strange coincidence unfolds & I know that the universe appreciates what is happening.  And when all else fails I see someone or something that is better for my efforts  ... and I get to see how it has unfolded many years later.  Some detail jumps out of the chaos and maelstrom & I remember that moment years ago when unseen hands intervened in the lives of lesser beings to adjust an outcome.  I remember & I am grateful ... because although I may never win the love of the heroine, and I may never be "the hero" [ I wish I could swim; like dolphins, like dolphins can swim ...]  ... --- ...  I am Fifth Business & it couldn't have happened without me.   Yes, I Am Fifth Business & the play is the thing

Monday, September 24, 2012

curriouser & curriouser

It is odd how the stats for this blog show how it has been viewed over time.  I intentionally do not publish links to this one out of interest in how the web works.   I have, in the past, linked to it on my FB wall but that was always locked down to "Friends Only" so it is interesting how I have views from many places in the world.  Places I am not likely to have friends.

All The Same, if they want to look  - let them.   Put out the honey-pots & see what you can catch I always said.    Vigilamus pro Te