So you never know how hard it is until you are alone with your own thoughts. [here I lie, in my hospital bed. tell me Sister Morphine when are you coming round again ... ] I do not do alone very well. [oh & I don't think I can wait that long] I thrive on chaos and distraction. There are reasons for that but you don't need to know ... suffice to say that without some external stimuli the echoes in my head get louder & louder until a full out artillery barrage would be a welcome relief.
Today was one of those days. I had overslept, I had eaten well & enjoyed two cups of coffee. I turned on the TV for some background static and stopped on some Bollywood movie with subtitles ... and then proceeded to stare out the window watching the birds & the grey skies from a chair in the middle of the living room. Within 20 minutes I was crying ... the emptiness in my soul was unbearable and my life was a pathetic waste of time. Why did I survive? The self-loathing was palpable and the self-pity was out of control ... I was lost and the tears came.
Now don't get me wrong, I am fine with that; I recognized it for the self-deception that it was immediately. [Well it just goes to show things are not what they seem ... please, sister morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams. Oh, can't you see I'm fading fast, & that this shot will be my last?] I let the tears run their course (after all they are so therapeutic) and then I pulled my head back together. I thought of three things in my life for which I am grateful ... "count your blessings" ... and then I made a note to ensure that I wrote about this. I poured another coffee and settled into the hole-in-my-soul for a review of the blackness. [Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head. Come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed] Yes I am alone; no it will not kill me. Yes I am feeling helpless; no I am not cowering in a closet with a knife to my own throat. [because you know and I know in the morning I'll be dead and you can sit around, yeah and you can watch all the clean white sheets stained red.] Yes I am afraid that my life will amount to nothing; no there is no proof that that is true. Yes I do feel like I am and have achieved less that I am capable of ... but I am still proud of my contribution. You see, I Am Fifth Business.
I will likely never be the leader, although I can lead if necessary I may never be rich, but I buy lottery tickets in case God has an alternate plan, but my life is filled with priceless moments. I may never be important but the play cannot go on without me ... I Am Fifth Business. I am a linchpin in a world of chaos. I am moved here & there by circumstances to ensure that the universe does not come flying apart at the seams; and then I am off to the next happenstance. My needs are met along the way, but comfort always eludes me. I am never satisfied & frequently want to escape yet I never act out on the urge. And when the universe get to be too much & life is too painful and empty for me to continue. "The Powers That Be" throw me a bone [ I can like your face, I can bite it too. My teeth got rabies ... gonna give em to you. Feed me, Feed Me Can't you hear me howl.Feed Me; I'm a dammed dog now...] some random baby make eye contact & I hear God's voice in my head assuring me that it is all good. Some strange coincidence unfolds & I know that the universe appreciates what is happening. And when all else fails I see someone or something that is better for my efforts ... and I get to see how it has unfolded many years later. Some detail jumps out of the chaos and maelstrom & I remember that moment years ago when unseen hands intervened in the lives of lesser beings to adjust an outcome. I remember & I am grateful ... because although I may never win the love of the heroine, and I may never be "the hero" [ I wish I could swim; like dolphins, like dolphins can swim ...] ... --- ... I am Fifth Business & it couldn't have happened without me. Yes, I Am Fifth Business & the play is the thing
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