Happy Birthday Magician ... Happy Birthday Dear Magician ...

What a great day to be alive!   I wanted to run outside this morning but that was not meant to be ...  I did manage to suffer through an hour on the dreadmill ... a tad over 5 miles.      Progress is good.


I spent some time with a friend that I don't see often enough & a lot of time with the GF  ...  You gotta love those days where it is good to wake up breathing.    I hope that the magician knows how great a day this is.   And four days from now  ....  Happy Birthday Teardrop  ... Wherever you are.      I hope that life is treating you at least half as good as I always thought that you deserved.

If you are reading this  ... consider yourself hugged; know that you are loved.

52 hours and counting ....

Well the hours keep ticking away and I'm still here  ... sounds promising.   I saw a name on a social network site last night & thought   about how that person must have just turned 18 a few days ago.    Man time certainly flies ....

$1.20 / litre - somebody's rolling in cash ...

I do not drive, so it actually has little effect on my life.  Oh sure, I pay more for groceries - and don't get me started on what I think about buying produce from south africa and transporting it all around the world - and the cost of transit keeps going up & cabs are unaffordable when I used to use them as a matter of course.  But for the most part they cannot hurt me with their conspiracy.

Yes I used the "c-word"   and I did it on purpose.   I believe that there is a silent agreement among the producers that nobody will bring any additional refineries on line.    As long as they can control the supply by preventing bringing any additional into the equation ... they can continue to rake in huge profits on the artificially inflated prices. Of course here in Canada the situation is only exacerbated by the fact that taxes make up a ridiculous portion of the price.   When you add to that the fact that many political type people are invested in the companies involved which precludes any possibility of our governments legislating a change ...  Hardly motivation for change on the part of our "leaders".     You have a situation that would be easily rectified that continues to spiral out of control.

Of course it is only out of control to those who can least afford the trend ...  and a cash-cow to governments, oil companies and anyone rich enough to be an investor.   The proverbial Marie Antoinettes out there who tell the rest of us to "eat c_k"; I do hope that they don't lose their heads.  They may want to lift their collective heads out of the trough long enough to notice that the world is seething with revolution lately ....  The people here & there are getting closer to their tolerance limit  ...  I'm not Nostradamus, but you may want to "pay attention"  ....

85 hours and counting ....

As I approach the magician's birthday I tend to get into a strange funk most years.  I hasn't happened yet. That isn't to say that I haven't been staring at the stars and wishing I was far far away ....  But at least I'm not falling.

I am craving all kinds of things and I'm listening to country music ...  but for the most part life is good.   So I think I'll just grab my proverbial surf board & ride this one out .....

Why?

So as i was changing after my workout last night I overheard two guys (early to mid twenties) talking about their jobs.  Apparently one of their common acquaintances had recently got a new job working for the city.   And one of them said "you gotta get into the city, dude"  to which the other replied " ... Oh I will, soon"   So I am thinking Why?     Why is it that the children of privilege out in the suburbs all think that they should suckle at the public teat?     Their parents all complain about ever increasing taxes and fees but everyone wants a job with unrealistic pay and exorbitant benefits  ....    "CAUSE & EFFECT" 

And on the subject of the public teat,   I was at teh Winterman on Sunday mornin, as a spectator.  I happened to get a good look at some yummy t_ ts, twice.  You see there was a new mom there waiting for her hubby who ran.  And she was in the Museum cafeteria ... and she was constantly nursing the cute little parasite.  Now I do not have a problem with that ... nor do I have a problem with her lack of modesty ... As a matter of fact she had quite the rack - they won't ever look quite as good as they did before the child but impressive & I'm a connoisseur.   What I did have a problem with is when she felt the need/right to change the baby on a table in a public cafeteria.   NOW THAT IS JUST WRONG ... take my word for it.  People like you cause old people to get sick and die!  "CAUSE & EFFECT"

I could go on but I need to start work ...

progress - not perfection redux

So you know that list that I was talking about the other day (see Progress - Not Perfection ) well I made a start. And I have actioned at least one item ....     That list is more of a work in progress now

TO DO:

1. Make a list of things to do ...
2. do the things on the list 
   • add things to the thing on the list as needed to maintain an ongoing stream of facts & progress
   • add new things to the list as needed based on trying to action the items on the list
   
   
3. cross things off the list whenever possible...upon completion of task

It all sounds rather simple but how often do things actually end and not just generate more things for the list ... I wonder?

Funny you should say that ...

So yesterday while I was reading the paper during my morning constitutional  ... I read this phrase; "... responsible government ..."   and it made me laugh.

Does anyone actually believe that our current governments (at any level) are RESPONSIBLE?     Does anyone even know the meaning of the word any more?    ... If you lived your life the way our governments do business how long would it be before total anarchy would be the status quo?

How much of the economy is "Just Pretend"?

Just Pretend ...   Do you know that phrase?  When I was a lad, many moons ago I always pronounced it more like "just b-tend" and I said it a lot.   Not that life was so bad that I needed to escape but I sure did like to pretend.  

As I look around me today I start to think just how cheated our children & even we ourselves are by this whole "pretend" thing.   Economically we pretend far too much.  I was looking at the ads on the public transit ... & I'm certain that they all get "paid for" but how much of the money is pretend?     Do governments really need to subsidize all these school boards & organizations who then turn around and buy advertising in gobs?   I mean really?    Who the he-double-hockey-sticks is skimming how much cream off the top of that scam?

What about industry?  All this creative accounting that caused the latest recession, the bubble in the housing/mortgage market, and the downfall of corporate giants like Nortel and international banks... isn't that all just a case of "just pretend gone wild"?   Lets just pretend that these dust bunnies are deliverables & those dust specs dancing on the sun beam over there are shares of our valuable stock ... All the while we are buying into someone's fantasy world - Do NOT Drink Th Kool-aid.  

Now, I did a lot of pharmaceuticals back in the day  but I know when someone is blowing smoke up my  ...   And if I, a bear of little brain, can see it how is it that the MBA's the CAs and the engineers with their degrees and their big brains were all duped?  And what is up with CEOs flying around  in corporate jets on a whim while they blow the last of the company's hopes out the window?  Where were the members of  The Board?  Is it not their job to watch the backs of the investors? [ Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? ]  And if there were people who knew there was a skunk in the cat-house, why has nobody been taken to task for what I would think was criminal.  I am not a lawyer & I don't play one on TV but I know criminals ... If anyone other than "legit businessmen" did to folks what was done to the investors  ... they would have a butt full of the blue line for as long as it took to nail them.   But apparently it was business ...   all above board - if you believe that.

Just pretend  ... just pretend that we live in a world where parents can still teach their children the value of living an honourable life  ... Just pretend that we live in a country where the politicians we elect have the best interests of the public in mind, and act like the leaders they purport to be.    And just pretend that the laws still matter & people obey them - ALL OF THEM; ALL  OF THE TIME!   Just pretend that the people we entrust to put our tax dollars to work for us actually looked at each & every dollar as if it was coming out of their very own pockets...  And Just Pretend that bus drivers still wear actual uniforms & people still wear dresses & suits to go to work  ...  and look each other in the eye & act with integrity.  You have to Just Pretend ....  because these things have almost been relegated to the world of make believe ...  and that my friend is a crime.

Winterman tomorrow morning

I will be going down to support my friends who are running it   http://somersault.ca/eventwinterman.htm  ...  Runners Rock

My name is [my name here] & I'm A Friend of Jimmy K

For the record, I have changed my radio station ... CKBY out of Smiths Falls.  As much as I dislike their on-air staff, and the fact that you cannot hear a decent newscast, I just cannot listen to any more CFRA.   Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dinosaurs, and I love news, but enough.  

Now on with the day.   I went back to my old home-group last night.   I had not been there in an entire year.  And I went back for the exact same reason; I had a sponsee celebrate a recovery anniversary.  Congrats on another 24 hours ... Keep coming back.

There are 60 seconds in a minute, 86, 400 seconds in a day; 31, 536,000 seconds in a year.  If it only takes a moment to make a wrong choice, then you might imagine how many right choices it takes to get from one to another.  It is no mean feat!   You see, when we first get clean/sober, we are very close to our bottom.  The horrors of our addiction & the wreckage of our past are right there .. in our face & we can no longer ignore them."When we were beaten, we became willing..."      But as we begin to amass time and little chains of success ... as we learn how to "live and enjoy life without the use of ..."   we begin to move away from that chaos.   It begins to fade into that fog ... the mists of time ... (Miranda Lambert: The House That Built Me - great song - touches one of those buried `holes in my soul` )  and we start to feel confident.  A little at a time, we begin to think I can handle these ups and downs that life throws my way.  And the truth is, with the help of people who care and a loving Higher Power ... we can; but alone we are still powerless.  Frequently, I have seen people forget that  ... as they become more and more confident they forget the pain ... they forget the shame & the grief & then they forget to come back.  And in many cases they succumb to a terminal disease ...  but it all starts with a momentary lapse of  consciousness ... in an second they make a different choice.

Then, the self-loathing, the degradation, the shame, the guilt, the grief, and all the horrors can come back; maybe in a flood .. or it may take a little longer.   I do not know many who do not end up back at their bottom  or even deeper in despair.  You see, now they have the added fear that recovery won't work for them.    I cannot risk that  ... and that is why more than 662,256,000  seconds ago I made a decision that I hope to never ever have to make again ...  and I am grateful ... that " Just For Today, I never have to use again."

Let's talk about Bev Oda - NOT!

NOT
□ Bev Oda should resign

□ Bev Oda should explain her sorry a**
□ Bev Oda should wear a brown paper bag over her head when out in public

Anyone who feels I am not being fair to the seemingly less-than-honourable member please raise your hand ... now lick your own arm pit.

You see it is hard to say that the Conservatives are any different from the people who permitted the Sponsorship Scandal when they seem to smell like the same green-bin

progress - not perfection

TO DO:

1. Make a list of things to do ...

Movin on ... next stop "The Magician's Birthday"

Well, having survived that we can set our sights on the next goal ... right? It is now 35 days until the Around the Bay Road Race in Hamilton. Just a little 30km run and on Sunday morning I managed to run 2 - 2.5 miles (4 & change km) so I need to get focussed. I want to be able to enjoy the race. Between now & then is the TMB (see subject line) and The sun will cross the line as well. I hope that I will start to feel a bit of energy soon ...

I am well, (give or take the lethargy) and life is good. However, I do have a lot going on. I am going to take a lesson from one of my favourite children & start being a "list-person". I am going to start making written lists & crossing things off as they get completed. Yikes!

Happy Valentines Day

Apparently Barbie changed her Facebook status to "in a relationship" this morning ... In my head I am adding "and its complicated". I keep thinking "Midge" - after all these years she can finally admit that they are more than just best friends, but it will probably turn out to just be Ken. So, I am left wondering why do girls a;ways go back time & again to a dry well? Let's face it Barbie & Ken have had one of the longest running "on again - off again" relationships I can remember. But since it is only make believe I guess it shouldn't matter much - unless it is one of the reasons that our children are internalizing unhealthy relationship patterns.

So I woke up beside the woman I love today ... and we enjoyed our breakfast together. Life is good for me these days, but if you are one of those people who struggle on this day of the year please know that I love you ... And more than that, I love you every day of the year. Consider yourself hugged ... and try to remember to pass it on. We can take back the day ... without spending a cent. I put a note on someone's pillow when I made the bed this morning. I know she will smile when she goes to bed tonight ... It was that simple.

... and my life has become ...

UNMANAGEABLE!!!! FFS!

I am fighting a losing battle here. I missed a payment again and it isn't like I don't have the cash in the bank .... I'm just too scatter-brained to stay on top of things. I need to get my s-together and stay focussed.

I want to hibernate ...

I am not fond of winter .... I want to win the lottery so I can retire to Sedona

gronk ...

Have you ever heard of Primal Scream Therapy? GRONK! Oh well, it doesn't really matter... What does matter it that all of you wonderful people out there start sending warm -"RickO Wins The Lottery" thoughts my way.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation ...

Sunday morning' comin' down ...

I tried to post yesterday morning from Starbucks but the interface didn't work with my iPod Touch - go figure ... Those thoughts are long since lost. It turned out to be a nice day though.

Nice day to do nothing ...

probably should have gone out for a walk but no regrets

People not quite clear on the concept ...

I found a rather obscure and stale blog which I found slightly amusing. I guess some person had decided to become a solitare ...

"Known variously as hermits, anchorites or solitaries, Anthony's modern-day successors typically find that, although the life is challenging and difficult, silence and solitude is the context that works best for them to experience the intimacy with God for which they long."

And, ironically I read an entry an entry summarizing his progress to a point i came across some statements that in my opinion in conflict with his goal .... Not that blogging wouldn't have been a conflict but based on the stale date of the content I guess they figured that part out. I did read this though ... although verbose ... I include it here, and later I'll point out some obvious flaws.

"Becoming a Solitary, whether through the Diocese of New York or on my own, involves a radical re-ordering of my present life. There is much to do on a practical level:

1. Convert my schedule to liberate enough time for daily office, lectio, centering prayer (done!)
   
   1. Try to work from home instead of commuting 20 hours a week (done!)
      
   2. Craft an appropriate rule of life and horarium (done!)
   
   
2. Convert my apartment into a hermitage
   
   1. Get rid of unnecessary possessions (pretty much everything) (working on it)
      
   2. Get rid of things whose purpose is social or for entertaining (working on it)
      
   3. Arrange the space to support prayer and study as primary activity (working on it)
   
   
3. Seek formation
   
   1. Further study in contemplative spirituality
      
   2. Find a mentor who is a hermit for guidance on solitary life (no luck yet)
      
   3. Nurture relationship with spiritual director & wise friends (working on it)
   
   
4. Find a support system of confreres for encouragement and counsel
   
   1. On the internet? (done!)
      
   2. Some yet-to-be-discovered association of solitaries? (done!)

Even these initial steps clearly constitute a multi-year project.

As I take each step, I'll have a question in the back of my mind. Is this step irreversible? If I'm wrong and I need to go back, will I be able to? Should I keep the option open? Is it wise to have an exit strategy, or faithless? To what extent should I abandon myself to this process, never to return?"

I found fault in the point labeled 1-b but lets give this person the benefit of the doubt and assume that they do not need to evolve as I believe we all do. Examining 2-a & 2-b obviously this person felt that a computer was a necessity and an internet connection had nothing to do with social-contact .... I think these points alone would convince me that there is room for improvement in respect to point 1-b as I may have suggested earlier. But that wasn't as amusing as point 3-b .... Find a mentor who is a hermit for guidance on solitary life (no luck yet) ... I mean let's face it folks ... is a hermit not averse to social contact ... would that aversion not preclude the need/desire/inclination to take on apprentices? And if you were to find an hermit who was willing to take you on as an apprentice, really would they be the kind of expert you should look to for guidance? Just wondering ... And finally point 4-a, what's up with that? You are adapting your life to become a solitaire, but you have found an online support group. This takes us back to my discomfort with point 1-b. It is entirely possible that there is room for improvement in relation to "self-honesty". I am not in any way qualified to judge the followers of the various religions ... I have many sins and you can crucify me for any of many, but really. A blogging hermit - an online fellowship of solitaries - Correct me if I'm wrong but are these not in direct conflict with the stated "prime directive"?

As I recall reading when I studied Casteneda,

The conditions of a solitary bird are five:
The first, that it flies to the highest point

The second, that it does not suffer for company, not even of its own kind
The third, that it aims its beak to the skies
The fourth, that it does not have a definite color
The fifth, that it sings very softly.

Oddly enough .... it was a quick Google for this text that guided me to the aforementioned blog.

If you are reading this, know that you are loved. I trust that you are well & the people that you love are comfortable & in good health. Consider yourself hugged ... very softly.

Do you recall what was revealed ... the day the music...

Some days you just wonder ... Today is the anniversary of an accident that happened before I was born but it still affects me deeply. Referred to as the day the music died, a plane crash claimed the lives of 3 great Rock n Roll musicians.

The music ... It played a big part in many aspects of my life. I enjoy many kinds of music - from classical to singing bowls and Gregorian chant to rock - punk, R&B to trance, folk, and country. I have a pretty good selection ... I used to have more but someone needed them more than they thought that I did. I try to be forgiving and I remember that "... you get what you need".

The thing about the music is that I have used it as a tool to survive some of the most traumatic and turbulent times of my life. In my darkest hours I would spend hours listening to tunes (... man you time is sand your ways are leaves upon the sea ...) and I would imprison, no entomb, the pain in a mental construct enclosed in a different memory - a force-field. While the magic was a blessing at the time (... what kind of war is this, that I can't fight no more ... leaves me weaponless ... ) it has left me with self-imposed mental time bombs (I fell like I'm sitting on a time bomb baby). There are lyrics and melodies out there that trigger body memories ( ... go on & let him in he's only askin' for a simple job to do & nothing more ... but looking back I see this stranger had the key to any door ...) memories of rage, pain, grief, shame, helplessness, ( ... I'm standin' at the crossroads fell I'm slippin' down ...) hopelessness and even love & joy.

As you might imagine, this can make walking through life ( ... as I walk along I wonder ...) somewhat akin to dancing in a mine field. I can be having a great day and a song or snippet of a tune can rip open an old scar on my soul. It is like a werewolf tearing open my chest (... saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand ...) and ripping out my heart. Or perhaps it is a nice one (... sunshine came softly through my window today ...) - Gimme Shelter - that inspires hope - thanks Kat, all my love forever - and reminds me that life is worth living. Other times it is loss, or regret - Keep Talking by Pink Floyd - but the pain is lessened by the fact that the same song is mentally linked to "Coming Back To Life & "Learning To Fly", but there is a chance that I will remember the `crazy diamond` - so sad (God bless you Syd, R.I.P.). Yes, the music is ... complicated ( ... my chest is aching and it burns like a furnace; the burning keeps me alive, or just about ...).

I couldn't imagine what I would have done if I had not learned to trance-out( ... I hide in my music, forget the pain, and dream ...) to the music. It is possible that I would have sought help sooner ( ... hello; is there any body in there ; just nod if you can hear me ... ) but it is equally possible that I might not have survived (... rapped all night about his suicide ...). Who is to say that without The Secret Policeman's Other Ball would I be standing here? Without Al Stewart would I have found the strength to escape insanity?

Nothing that's forced can ever be right. If it doesn't come naturally, leave it

...

Well I'm up to my neck in the crumbling wreckage, of all that I wanted from life

When I looked for respect all I got was neglect though I swallowed the line as a sign of the times

But dealing a jack from the back of the pack they said "You lose again"

Oh, I said, who needs it? Who needs it?

Well don't get me wrong now I tried to get on with the jokers that got in my way

I put on a smile and I tried all the while to be straight

But they just wanted more all the time and I'm sure you know what I mean when I say

That I'm sick of the touch and there's only so much you can take.

Well nothing that's real is ever for free; you just have to pay for it sometime

She'd said it before, and she said it to me.

I suppose she believed there was nothing to see but those same old four imaginary walls

She had built for living inside ... I said oh, you just can't mean it

...

Well nothing that's forced can ever be right; If it doesn't come naturally, leave it

That's what she said as she turned out the light; she may have been wrong and she may have been right

But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost the veil that covered her eyes

I said oh, you can leave it.

If I had not had The Kinks, The Cranberries, Bob Dylan, The Rankins and others (... Sister Christian ...) ... would I have Survived? Or would things have turned out completely differently? Would I have found recovery (... twas the needle & the spoon , worth the trip ...), or even wanted to? What kind of shape would I be in if it weren't for The Band (.. pulled in to Nazareth, feelin' 'bout half passed dead. I just NEED ...) . Just for today I want to say that I am grateful for the musicians, and more so for the songwriters ... the word-smiths who work the real magic. I owe some of these people my life ... Yes there are other people who are equally responsible for thwarting my "great self-destruction" ... and to them I also owe a debt of gratitude(... you didn't have to love but you did, and I thank you ...) that I may never wholly repay. I will attempt to pay it forward - and back whenever & wherever possible.

So, (... see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars ...) when the musics over & the song is done ... don't forget to thank the people who put you where you are today ....

If you can read this, know that you are loved. Be good to yourself and keep the faith. When all else fails - go home grab a box of tissues & your headphones and put on a tune / album / cd that makes you cry ... and play it over & over & over again. Trust me in this, and I promise that YOU will know when it is time to change the tune ... and dance. Big Hugs!

Snow angels anyone?

Well, that was quite a dumping of snow wasn't it? When did we learn to hate the snow? What happened to the excitement we used to experience as a result of getting a big dump of snow and the extra day off school to play with our friends that came with it? What happened to that?

Now I knbow that I am all growed up now & I don't get a day off just because the weather is bad, but it is an idea. What if instead of getting all stressed out and fighting it ... we all took the day off and played? Wouldn't that be better? After all ... think of how therapeutic that would be ... Break out the snow-suits ma ... company's comin'

Have fun - play safe

when was the last time you shoveled snow?

I'm just askin'

^hours later ...

I have shoveled three lane-ways twice today. & I cleared the snowplow stuff from the end of 2 & a half of those lane-ways a few minutes ago. Having done that I decided to blow off the gym tonight ... I do need to get in tomorrow night & do some serious cardio ... The endurance kind ...

Carpe Diem

That is Latin for God lives in Carp. So we are in the wind up to the Magicians Birthday ... that means it is time to reflect. One of the challenges of self-examination is not to get too morose when you focus on the less than desirable aspects of one's life.

Tonight is a gym night ... that should help me because I need to get running.