it all depends ...

... on which side of the sh_t-pile you land on, I guess.  Right now in the middle east we have Libya & we have Syria ...  And  in both of these countries we have despots attacking the "revolting peasants"  ....  And in Libya we have a coalition of foreign powers bullying the despot using actual weapons ...   In Syria  ... we are telling the despot "you can't do that on television"    Yes, indeed, it all depends on which side of the sh_t-pile you land.  

The "western-world" wonders why they have no credibility in certain regions of the world  ... but if you actually looked at the way we deal with people you would have to admit that TRUST is not deserved.   Just Sayin'

I want what I want when I want it ...

... and that is all I want.    But a friend of mine posted a quote from Corinthians today on FB

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

and I thought about that . ...   I don't have to act on my base instincts and  cravings.   I have free will but I do not have to act on them.  However, every now & then I see a treat and I think "I have gone without long enough;  I deserve a treat."    All that I need to remember is that I am happy with my life the way it is  ....  and sometimes my actions might have undesirable consequences.

... and then it was done.

The food eaten  the guests talked out and sent home with leftovers and the dishes washed & put away ....   Time for me to make myself a coffee & go out on the deck to sit down and have a chat with God.   Life is good ....

The calm before the ...

It is the lull between when the house starts to smell like a roast beef dinner & when I have to figure out how to make the rest of the meal on only 2 burners.  So I thought that I would take a moment to do this ....

If you are reading this today (whatever day today is ...) know that you are loved. You are important to someone ... and someone you love needs to hear from you TODAY.

In a moment I will go out there and saute the mushrooms in butter & red wine that I will add to the gravy I make from the drippings.   Then I will start the potatoes for mashed and I'll blanche the green beans.  Then I'll try to figure out what I've forgotten  ... in a vain attempt to avoid stress as it all comes together.    In the end I will sit down & enjoy a nice dinner with the GF & her mom.    And after that, a long weekend will draw to a close.

I will clean the kitchen, wash the dishes and enjoy a coffee out on the deck and have a momentary "conversation with God".  I'll take a moment to thank him for all that is good in my life today and for the opportunity to enjoy this existence.  And then I'll say a prayer for anyone who is struggling,  suffering, alone or less fortunate.  Then I will look to the upcoming week and try to determine how to fit in all the things that require my undivided attention ....   & for that I am grateful.  

Peter, lovest thou me?

 ... Feed My Sheep!


Sometime this weekend, take a moment to be grateful for what little time you actually get to spend with the people you love ... too soon it shall have passed.

I just had a wonderful meal and a visit with my family ....   It is good to get in some face time as rare as it is.   I take it for granted that they are out there but  as I explained to someone this evening, there once were 7 of us (members of my immediate family) and now there are 6.    There is one person that I took for granted who I will never see or talk to ever again.   How soon until that number changes again?

Now, in all fairness, I have a nephew and 2 nieces  that I didn't have in 1975 ...  My eldest niece has a new nephew ...  so my extended family continues to be in a state of flux .... As the older (and sometimes not so old)  pass away new blood  comes into the world  .. the clan/tribe grows here and fades there  ... the cycle of life at its best ....   But eventually, we all die and then we have no more time to tell each other how much we mean ... how important they/we are ... and how we feel.    If I keep that in mind ...  maybe  I should tell you how much you mean to me today.   MAybe I should accept you as you are  ...  the sweet & the sour ... the wheat & the chaff  ... the desirable & the less desirable ...because someday I  may not be here any more.   Or worse  YOU may not be here ...

Peter, lovest thou me?          

 ... Feed My Sheep!.

Time ... linear time ... the kind of time we experience here on the planet earth ... is fleeting [ ... Madness takes its toll ...]  and the shadow-play of light & dark is like scents on the wind ... and we are like dogs (or Wolves)   we experience them  in passing ....  Some are intense and enjoyable, others are intense and almost painful to experience.   Some are faint and often go unnoticed in the maelstrom of or day to day struggle for existence.  But they are there  ... the people  and places and things that make up the collective experiences of any given lifetime ... are there.  And each  are only ever experienced one single time ...  Some are best experienced in the instant and then forgotten ....  Others are savored and should be cherished ...  Peter, lovest thou me ... Feed My Sheep!   And you mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to experience them all regardless ....


As you pass through this existence ... maybe try to remember that  and remember that you create ripples in the universal truth ... try to think twice before you act ... those ripples wash across many shores ...

10 cents per pound ...

There must have been 30,000 pounds of bananas delivered to my Loblaws because they were selling them for $0.10/lb yesterday.   That's right   and they were healthy and yellow & actually tasted good ....  what a treat.    I don't get a lot of breaks like that lately.   I didn't buy any more than I normally would have but I felt blessed for the break, all the same.

In case you are unaware of  it, we are having an election here in Canada.  Not that we needed one, not that we can afford another one  ...  but I guess the aristrocracy felt that they were ready ... so we have one.  Aparently the NDP were not ready; they have hardly any candidates, if lawn signs are any indication.   And the ones they do have are too busy with their university courses & studies to actually bother to campagin.  Candidates in name only ...  What would they do if we elected them?  Would they quit going to school and take the job seriously?   Would they leave their high paying professor jobs to be a hard-working MP?  Or would they do a half-baked job of being an MP as well?   You have to wonder ...  and while you are wondering you might ask yourself  are the parties in collusion and these candidates are token offerings, that  the party is not intending them to win ...  almost actually saying vote for the other party and we're OK with that  ...  I would ask Jack Layton that  in person if I cared about the NDP - but I don't.

So in closing,  I got a good deal on bananas yesterday  ....  and until election day B.S. is  free & plentiful here in Canada ...  but be forewarned,  no matter who you put out for on election day  ....  They are not likely to buy you dinner.  And if you are gullible enough they will  _ _ _  in your mouth. Just Sayin'

Half April ... "Fugit Hora"

Yes the hour is fleeting indeed.   I know that better than most.  I don't do linear time but that does not change a thing.  Time flies and everything comes and in turn goes.   Sigh.

I am still in love and I still run ... I still work & buy lottery tickets.  I still miss people who have come & gone from my life.  I still fear losing the people I cherish in my world.   So it doesn't matter that I don't do linear time because I live in a world that is subject to linear time.   Which means that although it cannot affect me without my  choosing to be affected ... it affects everyone & everything that I love.   And in that it affects me.  How does God do this?    How can he love so fully, completely and purely, and not get jaded?

Long time no blog

and I really don't have much to say ...

ATB 2011 - check

Okay, I ran/completed the 30km Around The Bay Roadrace in Hamilton this past weekend.  I am nowhere near trained & was not race-ready at all.  It hurt, and then it hurt some more...  Just sayin'

I ran the first 10 km with my girlfriend.  She rocked her way through the first third of the 3x10k relay.  I was impressed.   I never actually caught up to Beverly (the girl on the second leg of her relay team)   but I did keep her in sight from KM 18 to 20 where she gave the chip to Jean who booked it to the finish.  I never actually saw Jean again after she took off..  

I did see some other people who were struggling & we all encouraged each other ...  The dwarf was there and the Reaper was posing for a photo when I passed him ...    I had a had go of it but it only took half an hour longer than last year.  

I'm thinking I need to consider a rest period ....  But there is a marathon in May so that isn't going to happen yet ...

For the record ...

I will hold the three political party leaders responsible for having another unwanted election when they make it happen later today.       I will NOT vote for a Liberal, nor an NDP  ... and it is a given that I would perform self-mutilation of my own genitals before I would ever vote for the BQ - even if I ever had that option.

Which leaves me the option of voting for a weaselly little dweeb for whom I have no respect  ... just to spite  politicians who believe that 300 to 400 million can not be better put to use than to have an election that changes nothing.   If they lose again can we urinate on them  .... can we, can we huh?

could use a change in the weather ... warmer would be nice

I'm heading to Hamilton to run on Sunday and I would really like it to be a little warmer.   The wind is always a factor in the Around The Bay Roadrace and I'd rather a nice warm breeze off the lake  ...  Just Sayin'

water, water everywhere ...

and still the enviro-propagandists would have me not flush my toilet.   They obviously have no wolf-blood coursing through their veins.   There is a group of people who think that not flusing the toilet when you urinate is cool.  Those people never drank at the dive-bars and probably never cleaned the bathrooms in a restaurant where drunks played.   Urine stinks ....  if you don't believe me try an experiment piss in a jar and leave it sit in a safe place in your bedroom where it won't spill.      I would bet that it would only  take a day for your nose to start working again....  Now, try to imagine how someone who does still smell those things feels walking into a restroom after you didn't flush.   It is as disgusting as if I were to leave the bowl full of feces.  It stinks; the fist & last thing I do in that case is flush the toilet ... yes I flush it for you, and then I use it and flush it for me too.

It is basically a problem of not having enough sewage treatment facilities and yet we have not made nay changes or improvements to sewage treatment methods in decades.  Not glorious enough for any level of government to be bothered.  In all honesty, it wouldn't buy any votes from the kind of people who buy the "green propaganda" about global warming, composting and water-use reduction.   So many environmentally conscious people mindlessly driving their cars while talking on their hand-held devices & texting.... and gunning through the yellow light.     Not that any of you would do that ....

First full day of spring ...

Looks a lot like winter.   Feeling under the weather ...  and I'm going to go to bed.   Have I ever told you how amazing this city I live in is?   There are beautiful women, great tourist attractions ... Lots of fine dining establishments ... and the cougars!    Ah yes I love this town.

Nostalgia .... (C'est toujours à recommencer)

So someone posted a link to an old Chiliwack tune on FB today .... and I played the song then a couple of others ...  Then I got to thinking about a song that I liked many many years ago.   I have not been able to find a copy to purchase legally and so I don't own it.  But years ago my sister did.  She got it around the time she visited Chicoutimi, QC  on a high-school exchange.  I was much more tolerant of the francos when I was younger ...  They were less arrogant back then too.   The song can be found at this link... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O87O_zrrFdA

The lyrics are below ...                      

Comme un été, comme une image Je sens que tout va recommencerHier, hier je me suis enivréJe ne savais vraiment plus quoi faireBaby, oh my baby; Je crois que j'ai trouvé l'amourBaby, oh my baby...I think I'm falling in loveBaby .....
Comme un vautour qui tourne au tourTu t'envole avec mon amourTu m'as laissé, tu m'as oubliéC'est toujours à recommencer
Oh Baby, oh my baby. Je crois que je t'aimerai toujoursOh-oh-oh Baby, Oh my baby; You know it always happens this way

Oh, oh, oh, oh Baby, oh my baby. Je crois que je t'aimerai toujoursBaby, oh my baby. Je crois que j'ai perdu l'amourBaby, Oh my baby; I think I'm falling in loveOh, Oh Baby, Oh my baby. You know it always happens this way

Oh, oh, oh, oh Baby, oh my baby. Je crois que je t'aimerai toujoursBaby, oh my baby. Je crois que j'ai perdu l'amour

Now, as I said I had more tolerance back then  ...  and I admit that I proposed to someone every time I visited Montreal before I sobered up ... so things were very different.   The music is still good ...  The women in MTL are still prone to be yummy & I still have a soft spot in my heart for the folks in Chicoutimi, and some folks from the Gaspe. But, I am tired of the quebec parasite that drains this country of so much of its economic potential by insisting that we provide services in languages that could be facilitated technologically by video-conferencing & skype ....  from a central Department of the lang-francais which could provide call-center type jobs to people who actually were bilingual (not just the crap that passes for bilinge in the federal PS).   But I am old and jaded and tired of watching successive gov't piss valuable tax-dollars into the black-hole that is Quebec.  Don't get me wrong ... I still find the people &  the culture & the places have value ... & I always will love those aspects that the franco-culture bring to the table.   I'm just tired of the extortion and the bullying from the franco-national-socialists.  And I'm tired of having to pay the tab for Trudeau's "pipe-dream"

Wow did I over-sleep

But I need to make note of this or I'll forget.   Last night I dreamt about Sandra!   She was in the middle of her addiction and it wasn't pretty ....  But I still loved her.   the dream was full of what it is to be an addict ...  all of the scary self-degrading things we do to get & use without any regard for all the collateral damage that is involved in that.  The last thing I remember is her in a church & you're hoping that she is doing ok then she grabbed 3 purses from these ladies who are praying and she books out the door.

When I woke up  I said a prayer for her  ...  I really hope that she is okay.  Strange dream ...  No idea what made it happen  ....  But I was inside the police station talking to a group of ladies about running  last evening.

A long time ago ...

I removed a number of posts from this very blog to appease a girl that I had at that time recently ended a relationship with.   I  don't  like to say that I regret things in my life but, in hindsight,  I do regret the loss of those entries.  They were emotionally charged and well thought out.  They were raw and angry, some expressed the hurt and disillusionment I felt at the time. but they are gone  ...  binary ashes on the charged winds of cyber-space.    If I am not mistaken, today would be her birthday .... Only a few months prior to that incident the beginning of another incident also took place that  coincidentally also  has a notable occurrence today.    The Messenger probe, launched on August 3, 2004,  will be maneuvered into a polar orbit of the planet Mercury (if there are no hitches)  which is intended it will try to maintain for about a year.    There are many many ways that this could go awry ... and even if they succeed in braking and positioning the craft in orbit ... they need to keep it in the right place and protect it from the intense heat .... and keep the transmitting antennae pointed back at earth ....   All that just to find out about a planet that we would never want to live on ....  hmmm,  And in other news, a Montreal mother want the laws changed so that trains do not run with their headlights dimmed .... to prevent the kind of accidents that happen when people trespass on the railway properties & haven't got enough of a survival instinct to stay out of the way of a moving train.    Now if you ask me this seems like a no-brainer.  Yes I am saying that if you are stupid enough to mess with a train you deserve to be a mess on & under & behind a train.  Period - no exceptions.    Maybe the mother should focus on teaching her offspring to take responsibility for their own actions and continued survival.  Maybe these mothers need to remember that darwinian adaptation has only the fittest surviving to procreate ...  

Stop expecting the state to make it all safe for you ffs!   The world is a dangerous place  ... filled with wondrous things but remember  ....  there are also "lions, & tigers & bears, oh my"  ... and trains, and cars, & busses and a myriad of other things that can be hazardous to your health.   Keep Calm & Carry On  ...  but proceed with caution.

Beware The Ides Of March ...

I remember those words as clear as a bell.   The crone's  face  is fading with time .. but the shrill admonition of her words still echoes across time & space.    Of course, the proud and the vain seldom heed portents & omens.  That just makes it easier for the sands of time to shift and sift and flow.  

Any way, today is a good day and life is looking up.  I am fighting off the tail end of a cold & I am feeling remarkably good for having run 20km on the weekend.  

20km .... Outside on relatively clear roads!

Thank you thank you thank you!    I am so glad that the spring is coming.   The people that I would have to try to train with were running 23km yesterday (Sunday morning) & I haven't run 10 k in a few months!    I was not certain & I gave my self permission to cut short if I needed to.  As it turned out, if I had not slipped on some ice at 15kms I could have done the 23k.   I felt a little pull & knew that I was 5k from the barn so I told them I would see them back at the store & let them go.  

I struggled a bit for a few minutes here and there but overall I ran 20km and I kept pretty close to the pace  ... I expected.    The 30km run at the end of March is not unrealistic.  I almost don't feel it at all this morning.

What brings a tear to my eye this morning ...

 ...  I don't mind it when I wake up and I feel like crying any more.  I used to think that I needed to fix it and stop the tears but now I take a moment to embrace them.  Indeed, I sometimes take a moment to extend them ....  Like I did today.    

For the longest time, I guess I thought he didn't give a damn.  He was hard to read, hard to please; Yeah, that was my old man.  On the day I left for college it was nothing new,  we never had that heart-to-heart. He had too much to do 

I started thinking about all of the things a father should share with his son, and how Dick was lacking in those things.   I also thought about how I spotted a reflection of myself in the glass of the microwave oven yesterday.   I thought how much my reflection looked like my uncle Jim's face.   I always had a good rapport with my uncle; I almost felt closer to him than I was to Dick.  But I feel that way about uncle Mike too.   Those relationships were never complicated by the entire father-son dynamic.  So it would be unfair to judge them based on the same criteria but all the same  I noted it.

He checked the air in my tires, the belts and all the spark plug wires. He said "When the hell's the last time that you had this oil changed?"  And as I pulled out the drive, he said "Be sure and call your mom sometime." ...

Now and then, I find myself crying ... grieving the father I never had,  but also for the father I lost - Yes I Miss Dick.  You may not understand just how much that means, but that is okay because I do.    I miss many people who have come and gone.  I even miss some of the people who are still here ...  but deep down inside a little boy misses the dad who never actually did take him fishing.   Yes, even if that is the same dad who threw a beer bottle towards him and cursed because the little boy had not learned to catch a baseball.

... and I didn't hear it then but I hear it now ... he was saying "I love you" the only way he knew how ...

Having said that  ... and having had a good cry, I can get on with my day ...  and with apologies to Mr George Strait let me just say  "...  little boys dont just ove their parents  every now and then. Its a love without end, AMEN. ..."

     

March 20th ! Mark your calendars

Yes I said the 20th; that will be the first day of spring this year!    I hope you appreciate all that was involved in our being able to bring you an early spring.     I could go into details but that might hurt by brain & I'm saving it in case I need to think about something important - like girls.

The Magician's Birthday is past & tomorrow is Tear Drop's  birthday ... after that we await the Ides Of March (Beware Caesar)   ... once we safely survive the ides, we watch as the sun crosses the line ...  The passing of the dead-season & Coming Back To Life   (someone ought to write a song about that).  

Currently life is good,  I am happy and with the exception that my training is not on schedule I am doing fine.   I trust that you are well & that life is treating you at least half as good as I believe that you deserve.  

Happy Birthday Magician ... Happy Birthday Dear Magician ...

What a great day to be alive!   I wanted to run outside this morning but that was not meant to be ...  I did manage to suffer through an hour on the dreadmill ... a tad over 5 miles.      Progress is good.


I spent some time with a friend that I don't see often enough & a lot of time with the GF  ...  You gotta love those days where it is good to wake up breathing.    I hope that the magician knows how great a day this is.   And four days from now  ....  Happy Birthday Teardrop  ... Wherever you are.      I hope that life is treating you at least half as good as I always thought that you deserved.

If you are reading this  ... consider yourself hugged; know that you are loved.

52 hours and counting ....

Well the hours keep ticking away and I'm still here  ... sounds promising.   I saw a name on a social network site last night & thought   about how that person must have just turned 18 a few days ago.    Man time certainly flies ....

$1.20 / litre - somebody's rolling in cash ...

I do not drive, so it actually has little effect on my life.  Oh sure, I pay more for groceries - and don't get me started on what I think about buying produce from south africa and transporting it all around the world - and the cost of transit keeps going up & cabs are unaffordable when I used to use them as a matter of course.  But for the most part they cannot hurt me with their conspiracy.

Yes I used the "c-word"   and I did it on purpose.   I believe that there is a silent agreement among the producers that nobody will bring any additional refineries on line.    As long as they can control the supply by preventing bringing any additional into the equation ... they can continue to rake in huge profits on the artificially inflated prices. Of course here in Canada the situation is only exacerbated by the fact that taxes make up a ridiculous portion of the price.   When you add to that the fact that many political type people are invested in the companies involved which precludes any possibility of our governments legislating a change ...  Hardly motivation for change on the part of our "leaders".     You have a situation that would be easily rectified that continues to spiral out of control.

Of course it is only out of control to those who can least afford the trend ...  and a cash-cow to governments, oil companies and anyone rich enough to be an investor.   The proverbial Marie Antoinettes out there who tell the rest of us to "eat c_k"; I do hope that they don't lose their heads.  They may want to lift their collective heads out of the trough long enough to notice that the world is seething with revolution lately ....  The people here & there are getting closer to their tolerance limit  ...  I'm not Nostradamus, but you may want to "pay attention"  ....

85 hours and counting ....

As I approach the magician's birthday I tend to get into a strange funk most years.  I hasn't happened yet. That isn't to say that I haven't been staring at the stars and wishing I was far far away ....  But at least I'm not falling.

I am craving all kinds of things and I'm listening to country music ...  but for the most part life is good.   So I think I'll just grab my proverbial surf board & ride this one out .....

Why?

So as i was changing after my workout last night I overheard two guys (early to mid twenties) talking about their jobs.  Apparently one of their common acquaintances had recently got a new job working for the city.   And one of them said "you gotta get into the city, dude"  to which the other replied " ... Oh I will, soon"   So I am thinking Why?     Why is it that the children of privilege out in the suburbs all think that they should suckle at the public teat?     Their parents all complain about ever increasing taxes and fees but everyone wants a job with unrealistic pay and exorbitant benefits  ....    "CAUSE & EFFECT" 

And on the subject of the public teat,   I was at teh Winterman on Sunday mornin, as a spectator.  I happened to get a good look at some yummy t_ ts, twice.  You see there was a new mom there waiting for her hubby who ran.  And she was in the Museum cafeteria ... and she was constantly nursing the cute little parasite.  Now I do not have a problem with that ... nor do I have a problem with her lack of modesty ... As a matter of fact she had quite the rack - they won't ever look quite as good as they did before the child but impressive & I'm a connoisseur.   What I did have a problem with is when she felt the need/right to change the baby on a table in a public cafeteria.   NOW THAT IS JUST WRONG ... take my word for it.  People like you cause old people to get sick and die!  "CAUSE & EFFECT"

I could go on but I need to start work ...

progress - not perfection redux

So you know that list that I was talking about the other day (see Progress - Not Perfection ) well I made a start. And I have actioned at least one item ....     That list is more of a work in progress now

TO DO:

1. Make a list of things to do ...
2. do the things on the list 
   • add things to the thing on the list as needed to maintain an ongoing stream of facts & progress
   • add new things to the list as needed based on trying to action the items on the list
   
   
3. cross things off the list whenever possible...upon completion of task

It all sounds rather simple but how often do things actually end and not just generate more things for the list ... I wonder?

Funny you should say that ...

So yesterday while I was reading the paper during my morning constitutional  ... I read this phrase; "... responsible government ..."   and it made me laugh.

Does anyone actually believe that our current governments (at any level) are RESPONSIBLE?     Does anyone even know the meaning of the word any more?    ... If you lived your life the way our governments do business how long would it be before total anarchy would be the status quo?

How much of the economy is "Just Pretend"?

Just Pretend ...   Do you know that phrase?  When I was a lad, many moons ago I always pronounced it more like "just b-tend" and I said it a lot.   Not that life was so bad that I needed to escape but I sure did like to pretend.  

As I look around me today I start to think just how cheated our children & even we ourselves are by this whole "pretend" thing.   Economically we pretend far too much.  I was looking at the ads on the public transit ... & I'm certain that they all get "paid for" but how much of the money is pretend?     Do governments really need to subsidize all these school boards & organizations who then turn around and buy advertising in gobs?   I mean really?    Who the he-double-hockey-sticks is skimming how much cream off the top of that scam?

What about industry?  All this creative accounting that caused the latest recession, the bubble in the housing/mortgage market, and the downfall of corporate giants like Nortel and international banks... isn't that all just a case of "just pretend gone wild"?   Lets just pretend that these dust bunnies are deliverables & those dust specs dancing on the sun beam over there are shares of our valuable stock ... All the while we are buying into someone's fantasy world - Do NOT Drink Th Kool-aid.  

Now, I did a lot of pharmaceuticals back in the day  but I know when someone is blowing smoke up my  ...   And if I, a bear of little brain, can see it how is it that the MBA's the CAs and the engineers with their degrees and their big brains were all duped?  And what is up with CEOs flying around  in corporate jets on a whim while they blow the last of the company's hopes out the window?  Where were the members of  The Board?  Is it not their job to watch the backs of the investors? [ Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? ]  And if there were people who knew there was a skunk in the cat-house, why has nobody been taken to task for what I would think was criminal.  I am not a lawyer & I don't play one on TV but I know criminals ... If anyone other than "legit businessmen" did to folks what was done to the investors  ... they would have a butt full of the blue line for as long as it took to nail them.   But apparently it was business ...   all above board - if you believe that.

Just pretend  ... just pretend that we live in a world where parents can still teach their children the value of living an honourable life  ... Just pretend that we live in a country where the politicians we elect have the best interests of the public in mind, and act like the leaders they purport to be.    And just pretend that the laws still matter & people obey them - ALL OF THEM; ALL  OF THE TIME!   Just pretend that the people we entrust to put our tax dollars to work for us actually looked at each & every dollar as if it was coming out of their very own pockets...  And Just Pretend that bus drivers still wear actual uniforms & people still wear dresses & suits to go to work  ...  and look each other in the eye & act with integrity.  You have to Just Pretend ....  because these things have almost been relegated to the world of make believe ...  and that my friend is a crime.

Winterman tomorrow morning

I will be going down to support my friends who are running it   http://somersault.ca/eventwinterman.htm  ...  Runners Rock

My name is [my name here] & I'm A Friend of Jimmy K

For the record, I have changed my radio station ... CKBY out of Smiths Falls.  As much as I dislike their on-air staff, and the fact that you cannot hear a decent newscast, I just cannot listen to any more CFRA.   Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dinosaurs, and I love news, but enough.  

Now on with the day.   I went back to my old home-group last night.   I had not been there in an entire year.  And I went back for the exact same reason; I had a sponsee celebrate a recovery anniversary.  Congrats on another 24 hours ... Keep coming back.

There are 60 seconds in a minute, 86, 400 seconds in a day; 31, 536,000 seconds in a year.  If it only takes a moment to make a wrong choice, then you might imagine how many right choices it takes to get from one to another.  It is no mean feat!   You see, when we first get clean/sober, we are very close to our bottom.  The horrors of our addiction & the wreckage of our past are right there .. in our face & we can no longer ignore them."When we were beaten, we became willing..."      But as we begin to amass time and little chains of success ... as we learn how to "live and enjoy life without the use of ..."   we begin to move away from that chaos.   It begins to fade into that fog ... the mists of time ... (Miranda Lambert: The House That Built Me - great song - touches one of those buried `holes in my soul` )  and we start to feel confident.  A little at a time, we begin to think I can handle these ups and downs that life throws my way.  And the truth is, with the help of people who care and a loving Higher Power ... we can; but alone we are still powerless.  Frequently, I have seen people forget that  ... as they become more and more confident they forget the pain ... they forget the shame & the grief & then they forget to come back.  And in many cases they succumb to a terminal disease ...  but it all starts with a momentary lapse of  consciousness ... in an second they make a different choice.

Then, the self-loathing, the degradation, the shame, the guilt, the grief, and all the horrors can come back; maybe in a flood .. or it may take a little longer.   I do not know many who do not end up back at their bottom  or even deeper in despair.  You see, now they have the added fear that recovery won't work for them.    I cannot risk that  ... and that is why more than 662,256,000  seconds ago I made a decision that I hope to never ever have to make again ...  and I am grateful ... that " Just For Today, I never have to use again."

Let's talk about Bev Oda - NOT!

NOT
□ Bev Oda should resign

□ Bev Oda should explain her sorry a**
□ Bev Oda should wear a brown paper bag over her head when out in public

Anyone who feels I am not being fair to the seemingly less-than-honourable member please raise your hand ... now lick your own arm pit.

You see it is hard to say that the Conservatives are any different from the people who permitted the Sponsorship Scandal when they seem to smell like the same green-bin

progress - not perfection

TO DO:

1. Make a list of things to do ...

Movin on ... next stop "The Magician's Birthday"

Well, having survived that we can set our sights on the next goal ... right? It is now 35 days until the Around the Bay Road Race in Hamilton. Just a little 30km run and on Sunday morning I managed to run 2 - 2.5 miles (4 & change km) so I need to get focussed. I want to be able to enjoy the race. Between now & then is the TMB (see subject line) and The sun will cross the line as well. I hope that I will start to feel a bit of energy soon ...

I am well, (give or take the lethargy) and life is good. However, I do have a lot going on. I am going to take a lesson from one of my favourite children & start being a "list-person". I am going to start making written lists & crossing things off as they get completed. Yikes!

Happy Valentines Day

Apparently Barbie changed her Facebook status to "in a relationship" this morning ... In my head I am adding "and its complicated". I keep thinking "Midge" - after all these years she can finally admit that they are more than just best friends, but it will probably turn out to just be Ken. So, I am left wondering why do girls a;ways go back time & again to a dry well? Let's face it Barbie & Ken have had one of the longest running "on again - off again" relationships I can remember. But since it is only make believe I guess it shouldn't matter much - unless it is one of the reasons that our children are internalizing unhealthy relationship patterns.

So I woke up beside the woman I love today ... and we enjoyed our breakfast together. Life is good for me these days, but if you are one of those people who struggle on this day of the year please know that I love you ... And more than that, I love you every day of the year. Consider yourself hugged ... and try to remember to pass it on. We can take back the day ... without spending a cent. I put a note on someone's pillow when I made the bed this morning. I know she will smile when she goes to bed tonight ... It was that simple.

... and my life has become ...

UNMANAGEABLE!!!! FFS!

I am fighting a losing battle here. I missed a payment again and it isn't like I don't have the cash in the bank .... I'm just too scatter-brained to stay on top of things. I need to get my s-together and stay focussed.

I want to hibernate ...

I am not fond of winter .... I want to win the lottery so I can retire to Sedona

gronk ...

Have you ever heard of Primal Scream Therapy? GRONK! Oh well, it doesn't really matter... What does matter it that all of you wonderful people out there start sending warm -"RickO Wins The Lottery" thoughts my way.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation ...

Sunday morning' comin' down ...

I tried to post yesterday morning from Starbucks but the interface didn't work with my iPod Touch - go figure ... Those thoughts are long since lost. It turned out to be a nice day though.

Nice day to do nothing ...

probably should have gone out for a walk but no regrets

People not quite clear on the concept ...

I found a rather obscure and stale blog which I found slightly amusing. I guess some person had decided to become a solitare ...

"Known variously as hermits, anchorites or solitaries, Anthony's modern-day successors typically find that, although the life is challenging and difficult, silence and solitude is the context that works best for them to experience the intimacy with God for which they long."

And, ironically I read an entry an entry summarizing his progress to a point i came across some statements that in my opinion in conflict with his goal .... Not that blogging wouldn't have been a conflict but based on the stale date of the content I guess they figured that part out. I did read this though ... although verbose ... I include it here, and later I'll point out some obvious flaws.

"Becoming a Solitary, whether through the Diocese of New York or on my own, involves a radical re-ordering of my present life. There is much to do on a practical level:

1. Convert my schedule to liberate enough time for daily office, lectio, centering prayer (done!)
   
   1. Try to work from home instead of commuting 20 hours a week (done!)
      
   2. Craft an appropriate rule of life and horarium (done!)
   
   
2. Convert my apartment into a hermitage
   
   1. Get rid of unnecessary possessions (pretty much everything) (working on it)
      
   2. Get rid of things whose purpose is social or for entertaining (working on it)
      
   3. Arrange the space to support prayer and study as primary activity (working on it)
   
   
3. Seek formation
   
   1. Further study in contemplative spirituality
      
   2. Find a mentor who is a hermit for guidance on solitary life (no luck yet)
      
   3. Nurture relationship with spiritual director & wise friends (working on it)
   
   
4. Find a support system of confreres for encouragement and counsel
   
   1. On the internet? (done!)
      
   2. Some yet-to-be-discovered association of solitaries? (done!)

Even these initial steps clearly constitute a multi-year project.

As I take each step, I'll have a question in the back of my mind. Is this step irreversible? If I'm wrong and I need to go back, will I be able to? Should I keep the option open? Is it wise to have an exit strategy, or faithless? To what extent should I abandon myself to this process, never to return?"

I found fault in the point labeled 1-b but lets give this person the benefit of the doubt and assume that they do not need to evolve as I believe we all do. Examining 2-a & 2-b obviously this person felt that a computer was a necessity and an internet connection had nothing to do with social-contact .... I think these points alone would convince me that there is room for improvement in respect to point 1-b as I may have suggested earlier. But that wasn't as amusing as point 3-b .... Find a mentor who is a hermit for guidance on solitary life (no luck yet) ... I mean let's face it folks ... is a hermit not averse to social contact ... would that aversion not preclude the need/desire/inclination to take on apprentices? And if you were to find an hermit who was willing to take you on as an apprentice, really would they be the kind of expert you should look to for guidance? Just wondering ... And finally point 4-a, what's up with that? You are adapting your life to become a solitaire, but you have found an online support group. This takes us back to my discomfort with point 1-b. It is entirely possible that there is room for improvement in relation to "self-honesty". I am not in any way qualified to judge the followers of the various religions ... I have many sins and you can crucify me for any of many, but really. A blogging hermit - an online fellowship of solitaries - Correct me if I'm wrong but are these not in direct conflict with the stated "prime directive"?

As I recall reading when I studied Casteneda,

The conditions of a solitary bird are five:
The first, that it flies to the highest point

The second, that it does not suffer for company, not even of its own kind
The third, that it aims its beak to the skies
The fourth, that it does not have a definite color
The fifth, that it sings very softly.

Oddly enough .... it was a quick Google for this text that guided me to the aforementioned blog.

If you are reading this, know that you are loved. I trust that you are well & the people that you love are comfortable & in good health. Consider yourself hugged ... very softly.

Do you recall what was revealed ... the day the music...

Some days you just wonder ... Today is the anniversary of an accident that happened before I was born but it still affects me deeply. Referred to as the day the music died, a plane crash claimed the lives of 3 great Rock n Roll musicians.

The music ... It played a big part in many aspects of my life. I enjoy many kinds of music - from classical to singing bowls and Gregorian chant to rock - punk, R&B to trance, folk, and country. I have a pretty good selection ... I used to have more but someone needed them more than they thought that I did. I try to be forgiving and I remember that "... you get what you need".

The thing about the music is that I have used it as a tool to survive some of the most traumatic and turbulent times of my life. In my darkest hours I would spend hours listening to tunes (... man you time is sand your ways are leaves upon the sea ...) and I would imprison, no entomb, the pain in a mental construct enclosed in a different memory - a force-field. While the magic was a blessing at the time (... what kind of war is this, that I can't fight no more ... leaves me weaponless ... ) it has left me with self-imposed mental time bombs (I fell like I'm sitting on a time bomb baby). There are lyrics and melodies out there that trigger body memories ( ... go on & let him in he's only askin' for a simple job to do & nothing more ... but looking back I see this stranger had the key to any door ...) memories of rage, pain, grief, shame, helplessness, ( ... I'm standin' at the crossroads fell I'm slippin' down ...) hopelessness and even love & joy.

As you might imagine, this can make walking through life ( ... as I walk along I wonder ...) somewhat akin to dancing in a mine field. I can be having a great day and a song or snippet of a tune can rip open an old scar on my soul. It is like a werewolf tearing open my chest (... saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand ...) and ripping out my heart. Or perhaps it is a nice one (... sunshine came softly through my window today ...) - Gimme Shelter - that inspires hope - thanks Kat, all my love forever - and reminds me that life is worth living. Other times it is loss, or regret - Keep Talking by Pink Floyd - but the pain is lessened by the fact that the same song is mentally linked to "Coming Back To Life & "Learning To Fly", but there is a chance that I will remember the `crazy diamond` - so sad (God bless you Syd, R.I.P.). Yes, the music is ... complicated ( ... my chest is aching and it burns like a furnace; the burning keeps me alive, or just about ...).

I couldn't imagine what I would have done if I had not learned to trance-out( ... I hide in my music, forget the pain, and dream ...) to the music. It is possible that I would have sought help sooner ( ... hello; is there any body in there ; just nod if you can hear me ... ) but it is equally possible that I might not have survived (... rapped all night about his suicide ...). Who is to say that without The Secret Policeman's Other Ball would I be standing here? Without Al Stewart would I have found the strength to escape insanity?

Nothing that's forced can ever be right. If it doesn't come naturally, leave it

...

Well I'm up to my neck in the crumbling wreckage, of all that I wanted from life

When I looked for respect all I got was neglect though I swallowed the line as a sign of the times

But dealing a jack from the back of the pack they said "You lose again"

Oh, I said, who needs it? Who needs it?

Well don't get me wrong now I tried to get on with the jokers that got in my way

I put on a smile and I tried all the while to be straight

But they just wanted more all the time and I'm sure you know what I mean when I say

That I'm sick of the touch and there's only so much you can take.

Well nothing that's real is ever for free; you just have to pay for it sometime

She'd said it before, and she said it to me.

I suppose she believed there was nothing to see but those same old four imaginary walls

She had built for living inside ... I said oh, you just can't mean it

...

Well nothing that's forced can ever be right; If it doesn't come naturally, leave it

That's what she said as she turned out the light; she may have been wrong and she may have been right

But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost the veil that covered her eyes

I said oh, you can leave it.

If I had not had The Kinks, The Cranberries, Bob Dylan, The Rankins and others (... Sister Christian ...) ... would I have Survived? Or would things have turned out completely differently? Would I have found recovery (... twas the needle & the spoon , worth the trip ...), or even wanted to? What kind of shape would I be in if it weren't for The Band (.. pulled in to Nazareth, feelin' 'bout half passed dead. I just NEED ...) . Just for today I want to say that I am grateful for the musicians, and more so for the songwriters ... the word-smiths who work the real magic. I owe some of these people my life ... Yes there are other people who are equally responsible for thwarting my "great self-destruction" ... and to them I also owe a debt of gratitude(... you didn't have to love but you did, and I thank you ...) that I may never wholly repay. I will attempt to pay it forward - and back whenever & wherever possible.

So, (... see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars ...) when the musics over & the song is done ... don't forget to thank the people who put you where you are today ....

If you can read this, know that you are loved. Be good to yourself and keep the faith. When all else fails - go home grab a box of tissues & your headphones and put on a tune / album / cd that makes you cry ... and play it over & over & over again. Trust me in this, and I promise that YOU will know when it is time to change the tune ... and dance. Big Hugs!

Snow angels anyone?

Well, that was quite a dumping of snow wasn't it? When did we learn to hate the snow? What happened to the excitement we used to experience as a result of getting a big dump of snow and the extra day off school to play with our friends that came with it? What happened to that?

Now I knbow that I am all growed up now & I don't get a day off just because the weather is bad, but it is an idea. What if instead of getting all stressed out and fighting it ... we all took the day off and played? Wouldn't that be better? After all ... think of how therapeutic that would be ... Break out the snow-suits ma ... company's comin'

Have fun - play safe

when was the last time you shoveled snow?

I'm just askin'

^hours later ...

I have shoveled three lane-ways twice today. & I cleared the snowplow stuff from the end of 2 & a half of those lane-ways a few minutes ago. Having done that I decided to blow off the gym tonight ... I do need to get in tomorrow night & do some serious cardio ... The endurance kind ...

Carpe Diem

That is Latin for God lives in Carp. So we are in the wind up to the Magicians Birthday ... that means it is time to reflect. One of the challenges of self-examination is not to get too morose when you focus on the less than desirable aspects of one's life.

Tonight is a gym night ... that should help me because I need to get running.

just for today ...

So I go to an AA meeting on Monday nights ... Typical AA Speaker meeting, type of thing. Sometimes good sometimes less so ... But it is a recovery touchstone so I go. I have walls; big solid thick walls. I have spent a great deal of time & effort building, maintaining, and fortifying these walls ... You cannot get past them. None Shall Pass!!!!

One of my challenges is to change that. I wish I had long term friends and trusted confidants ... but that involves risk. That kind of risk is hard to be comfortable with - not impossible but tough. I want them but I am not comfortable taking the risk based on my past experience. In my past I have readily trusted people who are undeserving with information that they were less than careful with & it always came back to bite me in the butt .... So how do I learn how to change the choices I make ? How does one un-learn his core scripts and develop new healthy patterns?

feeling better ...

Hoping I nipped that in the bud. I really hate being sick. It isn't any fun. Fun is what it should all be about, don't you think? I like fun . ... fun people, fun activities, fun stuff!

I do a 12-step fellowship meeting on Monday nights. It isn't much fun - by my standards - but I got tired of having to spend hours on the bus-system trying to get to the N.A. meetings in this town. You see the A.A. fellowship grew up and grew out, but the N.A. Fellowship has almost stagnated in the downtown core ... with the exception of a couple of meetings. It isn't that there are not enough people out in the burbs to populate meetings it is more of a general lack of understanding of how it works. You get clean & you carry the message ...

In most cases in NA in Ottawa - we get clean & we get busy being successful. Or we fall off the radar & eventually back into the morass. That generally happens when the addict realizes that he can use without inconvenience ... and proceeds to accept more and more of the consequences of his or her disease as just being normal. I used to avoid AA because I felt that too many went there to justify that using some "less-harmful" substances was "Not Their Problem" ... which was the same attitude I found back in the day when CA had a small elitist presence here in Ottawa.

Now I go to AA for a recovery Touch-Stone because it seems to work - for now.

I hate being sick

I so gets in the way of living & enjoying life ...

Lazy days ...

I have not worked out yet and it isn't looking like I will bother today. There is a small gathering to go to tonight to say bye to a friend who is moving away. I'm feeling a little tired maybe some sinus congestion going on ... I may have to pass on the fun & sleep.

♬ My ♫chest ♪ is ♫ aching ♬ ♩ & ♩ ♬ it burns ♩ ♬ like ♬ a ♩ furnace ♬

♩♩ ♬ ... ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ The burning keeps me alive. Or Just About ♩♩ ♬ ... ♬ ♩♩ ♬ ♫ ♪

I hit the gym again tonight. An hour & a half of cardio - 1 hour (plus cool down) on the bike (23 miles and change) & 30 minutes (cool down included) of running on the dreadmill (2 miles and change). I spent 10 minutes stretching before & 15 minutes stretching after. My legs are feeling it now but I am about to hit the hay.

It is tough to spend long hours in the gym at this time of the year ... The place is busy but the scenery is not the best. Give it a few more weeks & most of the new years newbies will have fallen by the way-side. And although it is sad it does make the gym a better experience. I wish them all well & I hope that they someday find a passion to be there ... There is nothing quite as good as an endorphine rush after a workout. Anyway 05:30 comes early so I am off to bed ... enjoy today

Cardio counts - right?

So I got into the gym tonight again ... 2 hours of cardio and my legs felt like jelly by the end of it. One hour on the stationary bike and half an hour on the cross-ramp trainer followed by half an hour on the StairMaster ... When you add the 5 minutes of cool down for each 135 minutes of cardio & then 25 minutes of stretching. Wonder how I am going to feel in the morning?

Are we having fun yet?

It is cold & has been for weeks. I am not big on cold weather but I shouldn't complain. I have physical challenges that prevent me from running outside when it gets too cold. Between that and the fact that it is too easy to injure yourself while running on poorly cleared city sidewalks.

So I will try to hit the gym today. and I am going to try to run on the dreadmill ... and I hope that there are some Yummy-Bits in the gym if I am going to start putting in long cardio sessions in there.

Baby ♬ ... its ♫ cold out side ♩♩ ♬ ... ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩♩ ♬ ♫ ♪

.. and that's the truth! Nasty cold & I can't run out in that. So I was lazy and didn't even hit the gym this weekend. I did make a kick-butt lasagna though. And I spent time with the GF ... read a little - mostly newspapers. and played a bit ...

I was talking with my [blank] and we decided that I want to work on my sense of self-worth & my desire for success. Both of these qualities are slightly lacking in my world. So if you are reading this ... and you personally know me ... you might ask me from time to time how that is going for me.

Be good to yourself; try to keep warm. Have fun, play safe & keep the faith.

Saturday ... minus 2 million Celcius

I think that I will stay in the house. Not much to do except try to avoid going on a feeding frenzy ... We shall see.

Friday in Canada

That is a good day to be alive; years ago they were "Fried-eh"s but now I have a whole new appreciation for Fridays. You got to love Fridays ... people somehow seem happier & more friendly. No workout yesterday but some quality time with the GF & a healthy supper of salmon, mashed potatoes & steamed broccoli.

Yes you have to love Fridays but they go by so quicky that I' have to keep this brief.

If you are reading this, know that you are loved. take a moment & pass it on. Because, as an old friend of mine found out this week ... you never know when you will have missed your last chance to tell someone how much they mean to you. R.I.P. to Mrs. Kelly ...

As I walk along ...

... I wonder ... Good song, a little dated but good all the same.

I have been nursing a wounded paw; inflamed Achilles tendon actually for the last three months or so. So, I haven't done any real workouts since I stopped running with the "Goofy Clinic". I figured that my real goal races are ATB (Around The Bay) in Hamilton, March, and The Ottawa Marathon in May. No sense in pushing through an injury when I should be off-season training. But I hate to let all that cardio slip away.

Last night I went to the gym and sat on the bike for 50 minutes (55 with cool-down) 18.25 miles. Then I got on the stairmaster for 30 minutes (35 with cool-down) 2.75 miles. WHO HOOO!!! Then I spent 15 minutes stretching ... Not bad for a beginning workout. However, the gym seemed to have lost the music. They have these head-phone things ... you plug in your own headphones & the first 4 channels are the tvs. They have 8 tvs in front of the cardio stations two banks of four ... supposed to be all on different stations ... maybe a little something for everyone. Last night only 3-feeds were available ... I don't mind I don't like the tvs anyway. But the top 4 channels are supposed to be MUSIC - again a little variety. But last night I had 4 channels of nothing!!!! FFS! and when I asked the kid at the desk he looked like I had just spoken Klingon to him. He had no idea what I meant & although I asked him to get someone else to look into it he never did.

NOTE TO SELF: I own 3 mp3 players ... ensure that one is charged & in my gym bag at all times.

... what went wrong ...

So, like I was saying, sore paw. I was expecting to be hobbling like a freakin' cripple this morning but for the first time in eight weeks my foot does not hurt. Go figure, maybe I just needed to do some real stretching. The training clinic for the Ottawa May Marathon starts this week. I won't be registering but I will be training ... so here we go!

Bring it!

Feeling the Moon-Tides

... on that note, for your information on Monday, 14 February 2033 there will be a full moon. I know that it is still a little ways out, but now you can say that you heard it here first.

I have a craving. It gets in my head & it likes to rent space. The thing is the craving & my long-term reality are incompatible. If I act out the consequences will not be worth the momentary enjoyment. So I resist & hope the craving passes from my thoughts.

This being a new calendar year I have decided to focus on my undesirable self-sabotaging behaviours. I will reprogram my life " one day at a time" ... no matter what. But how do I start? Who can I phone up and say "hey I am really embarrassed about this but I `[do this]` and it is causing my life to be unmanageable"? I have many years of sobriety / clean & serene time but I am still acting out. And shame and self-loathing are formidable adversaries ... you don't have to take my word for it but I AM a Subject Matter Expert.

Just for today ...