just for today ...

So I go to an AA meeting on Monday nights ... Typical AA Speaker meeting, type of thing. Sometimes good sometimes less so ... But it is a recovery touchstone so I go. I have walls; big solid thick walls. I have spent a great deal of time & effort building, maintaining, and fortifying these walls ... You cannot get past them. None Shall Pass!!!!

One of my challenges is to change that. I wish I had long term friends and trusted confidants ... but that involves risk. That kind of risk is hard to be comfortable with - not impossible but tough. I want them but I am not comfortable taking the risk based on my past experience. In my past I have readily trusted people who are undeserving with information that they were less than careful with & it always came back to bite me in the butt .... So how do I learn how to change the choices I make ? How does one un-learn his core scripts and develop new healthy patterns?

feeling better ...

Hoping I nipped that in the bud. I really hate being sick. It isn't any fun. Fun is what it should all be about, don't you think? I like fun . ... fun people, fun activities, fun stuff!

I do a 12-step fellowship meeting on Monday nights. It isn't much fun - by my standards - but I got tired of having to spend hours on the bus-system trying to get to the N.A. meetings in this town. You see the A.A. fellowship grew up and grew out, but the N.A. Fellowship has almost stagnated in the downtown core ... with the exception of a couple of meetings. It isn't that there are not enough people out in the burbs to populate meetings it is more of a general lack of understanding of how it works. You get clean & you carry the message ...

In most cases in NA in Ottawa - we get clean & we get busy being successful. Or we fall off the radar & eventually back into the morass. That generally happens when the addict realizes that he can use without inconvenience ... and proceeds to accept more and more of the consequences of his or her disease as just being normal. I used to avoid AA because I felt that too many went there to justify that using some "less-harmful" substances was "Not Their Problem" ... which was the same attitude I found back in the day when CA had a small elitist presence here in Ottawa.

Now I go to AA for a recovery Touch-Stone because it seems to work - for now.

I hate being sick

I so gets in the way of living & enjoying life ...

Lazy days ...

I have not worked out yet and it isn't looking like I will bother today. There is a small gathering to go to tonight to say bye to a friend who is moving away. I'm feeling a little tired maybe some sinus congestion going on ... I may have to pass on the fun & sleep.

♬ My ♫chest ♪ is ♫ aching ♬ ♩ & ♩ ♬ it burns ♩ ♬ like ♬ a ♩ furnace ♬

♩♩ ♬ ... ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ The burning keeps me alive. Or Just About ♩♩ ♬ ... ♬ ♩♩ ♬ ♫ ♪

I hit the gym again tonight. An hour & a half of cardio - 1 hour (plus cool down) on the bike (23 miles and change) & 30 minutes (cool down included) of running on the dreadmill (2 miles and change). I spent 10 minutes stretching before & 15 minutes stretching after. My legs are feeling it now but I am about to hit the hay.

It is tough to spend long hours in the gym at this time of the year ... The place is busy but the scenery is not the best. Give it a few more weeks & most of the new years newbies will have fallen by the way-side. And although it is sad it does make the gym a better experience. I wish them all well & I hope that they someday find a passion to be there ... There is nothing quite as good as an endorphine rush after a workout. Anyway 05:30 comes early so I am off to bed ... enjoy today

Cardio counts - right?

So I got into the gym tonight again ... 2 hours of cardio and my legs felt like jelly by the end of it. One hour on the stationary bike and half an hour on the cross-ramp trainer followed by half an hour on the StairMaster ... When you add the 5 minutes of cool down for each 135 minutes of cardio & then 25 minutes of stretching. Wonder how I am going to feel in the morning?

Are we having fun yet?

It is cold & has been for weeks. I am not big on cold weather but I shouldn't complain. I have physical challenges that prevent me from running outside when it gets too cold. Between that and the fact that it is too easy to injure yourself while running on poorly cleared city sidewalks.

So I will try to hit the gym today. and I am going to try to run on the dreadmill ... and I hope that there are some Yummy-Bits in the gym if I am going to start putting in long cardio sessions in there.

Baby ♬ ... its ♫ cold out side ♩♩ ♬ ... ♬ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♬ ♩♩ ♬ ♫ ♪

.. and that's the truth! Nasty cold & I can't run out in that. So I was lazy and didn't even hit the gym this weekend. I did make a kick-butt lasagna though. And I spent time with the GF ... read a little - mostly newspapers. and played a bit ...

I was talking with my [blank] and we decided that I want to work on my sense of self-worth & my desire for success. Both of these qualities are slightly lacking in my world. So if you are reading this ... and you personally know me ... you might ask me from time to time how that is going for me.

Be good to yourself; try to keep warm. Have fun, play safe & keep the faith.

Saturday ... minus 2 million Celcius

I think that I will stay in the house. Not much to do except try to avoid going on a feeding frenzy ... We shall see.

Friday in Canada

That is a good day to be alive; years ago they were "Fried-eh"s but now I have a whole new appreciation for Fridays. You got to love Fridays ... people somehow seem happier & more friendly. No workout yesterday but some quality time with the GF & a healthy supper of salmon, mashed potatoes & steamed broccoli.

Yes you have to love Fridays but they go by so quicky that I' have to keep this brief.

If you are reading this, know that you are loved. take a moment & pass it on. Because, as an old friend of mine found out this week ... you never know when you will have missed your last chance to tell someone how much they mean to you. R.I.P. to Mrs. Kelly ...

As I walk along ...

... I wonder ... Good song, a little dated but good all the same.

I have been nursing a wounded paw; inflamed Achilles tendon actually for the last three months or so. So, I haven't done any real workouts since I stopped running with the "Goofy Clinic". I figured that my real goal races are ATB (Around The Bay) in Hamilton, March, and The Ottawa Marathon in May. No sense in pushing through an injury when I should be off-season training. But I hate to let all that cardio slip away.

Last night I went to the gym and sat on the bike for 50 minutes (55 with cool-down) 18.25 miles. Then I got on the stairmaster for 30 minutes (35 with cool-down) 2.75 miles. WHO HOOO!!! Then I spent 15 minutes stretching ... Not bad for a beginning workout. However, the gym seemed to have lost the music. They have these head-phone things ... you plug in your own headphones & the first 4 channels are the tvs. They have 8 tvs in front of the cardio stations two banks of four ... supposed to be all on different stations ... maybe a little something for everyone. Last night only 3-feeds were available ... I don't mind I don't like the tvs anyway. But the top 4 channels are supposed to be MUSIC - again a little variety. But last night I had 4 channels of nothing!!!! FFS! and when I asked the kid at the desk he looked like I had just spoken Klingon to him. He had no idea what I meant & although I asked him to get someone else to look into it he never did.

NOTE TO SELF: I own 3 mp3 players ... ensure that one is charged & in my gym bag at all times.

... what went wrong ...

So, like I was saying, sore paw. I was expecting to be hobbling like a freakin' cripple this morning but for the first time in eight weeks my foot does not hurt. Go figure, maybe I just needed to do some real stretching. The training clinic for the Ottawa May Marathon starts this week. I won't be registering but I will be training ... so here we go!

Bring it!

Feeling the Moon-Tides

... on that note, for your information on Monday, 14 February 2033 there will be a full moon. I know that it is still a little ways out, but now you can say that you heard it here first.

I have a craving. It gets in my head & it likes to rent space. The thing is the craving & my long-term reality are incompatible. If I act out the consequences will not be worth the momentary enjoyment. So I resist & hope the craving passes from my thoughts.

This being a new calendar year I have decided to focus on my undesirable self-sabotaging behaviours. I will reprogram my life " one day at a time" ... no matter what. But how do I start? Who can I phone up and say "hey I am really embarrassed about this but I `[do this]` and it is causing my life to be unmanageable"? I have many years of sobriety / clean & serene time but I am still acting out. And shame and self-loathing are formidable adversaries ... you don't have to take my word for it but I AM a Subject Matter Expert.

Just for today ...