5.3km ... before 09:45 h

So I got up & made it to Run-club for 08:15h It took a taxi & $15 but I made it. I sure wanted to sleep in; the dreams were colourful to say the least. I ma going to be running 10k tomorrow night at 18:30 hours and that meant that today needed to be an easy day. Just a little 5km run to keep everything lose and no extra time in the gym at all.

I will be hitting the gym 5 days a week as of Tuesday and will be starting a new workout regimen. It is time to work on the abs, core, lower-back & upper body. I also need to start upping my distance and that is going to mean spending time on the treadmill. I have to avoid running outside in the nastiness of winter, for health reasons. It should prove to be an interesting time trying to remain motivated while spending time in the gym ....

More will be revealed ...

craving company

... so it is a good night to turn off the computer and go upstairs to bed - ALONE. I think that I will leave it at that today ... I really want a "play-thing".

Running into her ...

You would think that since I have wanted to talk to her for a few weeks that seeing her might have been a good thing but, it still hurts. I ran into her today on the street and I got to chat with her for a minute but somehow it didn't feel as good as I had hoped it would. Nice top know that she is alive & well but it sucks to know that she would have rather avoided talking to me.

my need to be accepted

Ok so let's discuss this since it seems to be so important in my psyche. Not that it matters really but I seem to feel an overwhelming need to be accepted by everyone. The mere hint of rejection causes me to become quasi-obsessed with finding some way to "fix" that relationship. This behaviour has been a part of WHO I am for a long as I can remember. I have a whole slew of acquaintances who are only in my life today because they have rejected me at some point in the past. I have worked very hard to build & maintain those relationships because they are one-sided.

I once told my father that "one hand reaching out can bridge a vast distance" however, it cannot go all the way. For a true connection to happen there needs to be something at the other end ... some substance to grasp, and something to hold on to. Otherwise, the situation is pointless. So recently, I have been looking at the relationships in my world and asking "what am I reaching for?" The more I do this the less I like the answer ... I am reaching out to so many to avoid being left behind. However, when I honestly ask what do they have to offer, I generally find that most of them have nothing I want - with the exception of physical companionship. And if I honestly ask "Am I physically attracted to them?" I find the answer is "No, but it is better than being alone".

Sigh - I'm in love with the idea of being in love. That is probably not unusual and the need to be accepted, loved, needed is fairly common for a social animal. But I need to start checking my motives in so far as my interpersonal relationships go. Do I really like (insert name here) or am I just trying to avoid being alone with my thoughts.

The places you'll go .. the people you'll see ...

Well I ended up this far from one of those places I have really really wanted to be tonight, but we won't go there.

I went out for a short run this evening and met up with some friends (acquaintances) for coffee afterwards. I am going to make myself a hot turkey sandwich for supper and maybe watch tv.

Pretty boring day except for that part I'm not talking about ... and even that isn't all that exciting.

Miss Who

I was in a relationship of sorts this past fall. She was a very nice woman and I think highly of her despite the way it all went down. I was missing her again today. She deserves a nice man and good things in her world but I do not believe that she is ready for them yet. I am not sorry that I told her how much I cared about her even if that sent her running.

I hope you all are surrounded by loved ones this Christmas. I am alone right now, but I spent a few hours at In From The Cold. I got to see some people that I care a great deal for and some who I had not seen in a very long time. What is our message? The message is that an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs & find a new way to live. Our message is HOPE & the promise of freedom ... Keep the faith.

Everythig is better in black & white ...

Up in my bedroom, taped to the monitor of a computer that has not been turned on in a few years, is a yellowing scrap of paper with a verse of a poem ... I am assuming it is only a verse because it seems unfinished. I found it on a hard-drive of a common computer at the Lees Avenue campus of Algonquin in 1993-ish. I don't know who wrote it or if there was ever any more of it but it looked like a poem that you might find in that binder I never open any more. I have a binder filled with poetry that I wrote in my youth ... well mostly poetry and the odd letter to no one in particular that would read like a suicide note but they were never intended to be that .... Just a place to put feelings that would have overwhelmed me if I had not forced them out the tip of a pen at the time.

This is the night before Christmas eve - the full moon & I am lonely. I could probably write a kick-butt poem with the emotional storm brewing inside my skull today, but instead, I will just go upstairs ... pray a little thank-you for today and go to sleep.

If you are alone, try to remember that you are loved. Take a moment to remember that and then pick up the phone and call someone you love aand remind them ..... Keep the faith.

I had forgottten ...

her name. Wow, yesterday I was talking with a friend & for an instant I couldn't remember the name of the last woman I had been dating. I couldn't see her face in my mind's eye ... I couldn't remember her scent .... I couldn't feel her out there ... For a moment she was gone. Now that might not mean much to you, unless you know that I have never forgotten a lover. There are a couple that I cannot remember the names of ... (from the days when I drank) but I rememebr their faces ... I remember their scent & I know when & if they are close to me - I feel them, even years later.

So I was a bit suprised that I had forgotten Natalie, even for an instant. The reasons for this is (1) until this happened I have been quite obsessed with her memory. She was aftter all the most recent person I let into my soul. It hurt quite a bit when she decided that we needed to stop ... (2) I don't often forget a person so completely as I had forgotten her. OF course I had asked that the obsession be lifted and there is much going on in my world so I should not be suprised ... But just to be on the safe side I think I'll start doing some memory-exercises and mind type work.

I want it ...

all & I want it NOW! Have I mentioned that before? No, well now you know. Ok I'm being vague and intentionally so, but that is my prerogative. I am a week from Christmas, three days from a full moon (the Full Cold Moon to be specific), & I want a play-thing... I don't want a girlfriend; I just want a play-thing. Of course I cannot act out on that craving, but I thought that I would share it with you all the same.

Life is good and I am fortunate to be as well off as I am but I guess I will always crave something more.

If you are reading this I hope you have a Merry Christmas. If the preceding statement has offended you, remember that I was born & raised as a Christian - so get over it or take it up with your God. I wish you bright blessings, good health, good friends, good company and enough that you will feel inclined to share your good fortune with those around you who might have less, or have need.

Its hard to think Global Warming ...

When you are drowning in snow! It isn't even winter yet officially & the snowbank at the end of the driveway will pass 5 feet tomorrow. That is higher than it was all of last year. I am so tired of snow it isn't funny. You cannot run in it well enough to make any time goals. And if you do manage to keep a pace, you are likely to injure yourself because it requires all that much more effort to run those paces when you can't get any traction. Not to mention how much some muscles hurt from having to work harder for stabilization and such.

But I am grateful that I can run and that my biggest problem today is that I had to wait 75 minutes for busses on my trip to & from the gym (45 minutes on the way there & 30 on my way home) and that my legs hurt from running in the poor traction of a semi-plowed sidewalk. Because I could have real problems .... So just for today I'll settle for a few minor inconveniences ...

I need a distraction ...

I have two favorite distractions in my life, one is the gym & the other involves ... oh let's not go there. Anyway, I just spent a day doing the run, gym, breakfast watch the game on tv thing and I am craving the OTHER distraction. Now that is all well and good but the other distraction does not come without consequences ... and I am not done licking my wounds from the last time yet. So it probably is not a good idea for me to go getting involved with another woman just now.

There are many reasons for me to be especially prudent about this; it is that time of year, and many relationships that begin between December & just after Valentines day frequently fail. They are often just lonely people getting involved with other people because they feel the season expects you to have a partner. Broken people thrust together for the wrong reasons seldom make for meaningful, loving, happy relationships. The other reason is that I am not certain that I love myself yet. I have to work on "intimacy" but not physical intimacy. I need to become more adept at emotional & spiritual intimacy ... I need to be able to have intimate inter-personal relationships with other people without sexuality. That is a tall order ...

... and when I think about all the hard work and effort that is involved in that, I just want a distraction. Water, water everywhere ... and not a drop to drink! SIGH

Happy Birthday to you ...

Ok well I will start this off by wishing a happy Birthday to Lilly-D, a very special person who I wish I could count among my friends. I wish you good health, good friends and quality time with the people you love the most.

Well tomorrow would have been Dick's birthday and I am no closer to being at peace with how I feel about him that I was on the anniversary of his passing, in November. While I am growing and learning to change the messages I have a long way to go towards self-acceptance. There are days when I feel glimmers of hope though. Today was one such day ... I did no harm and for that I am grateful.

Not wanting to work ..

I am not wanting to work much this afternoon. I am just waiting for the weekend. Of course there are all kind of thoughts racing around in my head too. I'm going to meet a friend for coffee & a movie, I hope to fit in 2 workouts & at least one run. I need to do 3 loads of laundry and vacuum the house, and I should do some baking .... The list goes on.

I got to run & hit the gym for an hour of Hills-Plus on the stationary bike last night. All in all a good workout but I didn't get to bed until 23:30 hours and that means that I am overtired today.

More of the same ...

It was actually so cold last night and the sidewalks were so bad that I gave up and did the treadmill thing. It had been 2 days since the storm (48 + hours) and the sidewalks are horrendous, so since I had no group to lead I said why bother. I ran 1 km walked 1km back to the gym and did 2.75 miles on the treadmill instead. Hardly worth getting the gear all sweaty ...

Nasty night for a run...

I'll start out by wishing happy birthday to Princess Barbara. I wish you all that you need and some to spare.

Well I tried for a 6km run with the clinic group but none of the sidewalks were plowed enough to run on comfortably. We (a group of 15) tried running on the side of the road but it wasn't all that much better. I don't like to criticize but I hope the city isn't thinking that the service is adequate. They continually talk around city hall about cutting budgets but I think maybe they ought to fire some of the managers and get some [expletive] snow-plows on the road.

We ended up running 5.4km and called it a night, but some of the faster runners ran the route as planned and said that they didn't find many plowed sidewalks beyond the point where I told the group I was with to turn around and run facing traffic on the side of the road. My Glutes & periformis are killing me and I need to get some supper.

Welcome to the snowbank ...

It is not even winter yet & the snowbank at the end of the driveway is almost four feet high. Yikes, you gotta hate that!. I could start out with many different things but I'll leave it simple.

Who Am I? I'm Rick & I'm a Canadian (mais je ne parle pas francais).

What Am I? well that depends right now I am procrastinating. I'm a web-application developer by day. I am fifth-business. I am an endurance runner, a son, a brother ... a friend. To some I am an ... oh we won't go there just now. I am a friend of Jimmy K's ... a high-school dropout, with a GED. I was a cook for twenty years or so and I still know my way around a kitchen. I'm pretty much a diamond; made precious as a result of years of extreme external pressure ... made common by my faults and flaws ... made human by nature.

Where Am I? I am in Ottawa, Ontario Canada, on the planet earth.