So it has been a year. About this time last year I was talking to a young doctor asking about the likelihood that they would be able to do anything for a broken hip ... when they couldn't get her vitals to stabilize. I have an opinion about what happened but I also have faith in the PTB and know that it is all just a game of GuidedByWill ... So I cannot second guess the outcome. Trust the process & observe the universe unfolding. Know that there will be pain & joy, good & evil, happiness & sorrow in perfect harmony & eternal balance. As it was in the beginning ... is now ... and is yet to be.
I am changed - not as inclined to suffer fools. More jaded and yet softer at the same time ... But it has been a year that I will not miss as it passes into the mists of time.
Be good to yourselves. Be kind to your fellow travelers ... and do no harm. Contrary to many folks belief ... we are watching ... and there will be a price to pay. At least that is what GOD said to me the last time he threw me back ...
Keep The Faith
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Lets Talk About Priorities ...
So I have some strong opinions. I have been accused of being a red-neck, an ass and a conservative, although never all three at the same time. However, I do have strong opinions; many of them objectionable and less than Politically Correct. It is MY RIGHT!
I have that right for the same reason that we are not all speaking German, Japanese and Italian the world over. I have the right to freedom of speech and association & thought because when the liberty and freedom of the world was threatened, some people who didn't think it was right to hide their head in the sand and let injustice steam-roller over them took a stand. They drew a line and, like Gandalf the Grey, said "you shall not pass". Then proceeded to do 'Whatever It Took' to ensure that a stop was put to those that would trample the world & its people under foot. They were people of a different time & they had different values ...
Today, we wouldn't stop Hitler because society would be too busy trying to coddle and console him for all of the circumstances that led him to "act out" ... Oh, Wait! That is what the leaders of Europe did ... until it became obvious that he was out to destroy the world. Until we had to take a stand and lay down many lives to bitch-slap him and his buddies back to reality.
Mid to late sixties, school children are taught that there was a war and evil and death walked among us. The brave soldiers went to fight the wave of evil; many died and in the end "We Won". Our way of life was preserved & although the cost was unthinkable ... the freedom and liberty we enjoyed was ultimately worth the sacrifice. On November 11th, the anniversary of the armistice of the first great war we would honour the fallen and the survivors of all the wars. We would mark a day of remembrance! The children memorized a poem about poppies in a field in Flanders ... (it is more than a Simpson's character) ... and little Plastic poppies are sold to help fund veterans and to quote the Royal Canadian Legion " Since 1921, the Poppy has stood as a symbol of Remembrance, our visual pledge to never forget all those Canadians who have fallen in war and military operations. " Schools, businesses and government would take the day off and remember ... Because IF WE EVER FORGET we might have to learn that very costly lesson all over again.
Mid seventies, school will maybe take a moment of silence, if the teacher isn't too busy, or high, to spare a though. Business are inconvenienced by having to stay closed half a day ... and people who are anti-war actually have the audacity to spit at veterans. After all, we don't remember what it was like to ration ... for the cause ... because somewhere along the way we started to believe that "The Man" is evil and whatever I/WE want is fine and there is no reason for me/us to go without. - The cracks are becoming noticeable. Public schools pay lip-service to Remembrance Day ... but the meaning and the memory is slipping away as the first generation dies and as tv replaces reality with mindless moving pictures spit out like a teen-aged boy's wad in the faces of the masses. And the news ... starts to bend the truth for ratings.
The Eighties ... if I could remember it I'd talk about how the slow erosion steadily picked up momentum, but I self-medicated and just watched from behind empty soul-less eyes. A husk of the boy I had been decaying into drug-induced apathy. Not unlike many of those around me. The decay of morality, values and honour continued ... fractured families produced generation after generation of selfish bastards all addicted to something either chemical or worse - instant gratification!!!! Remembrance Day is televised and I see fewer and fewer ... increasingly frail veterans ... My heart, what is left of it, breaks as I realize that they are dying off. Taking with them the memory of the horror - the horror that is WAR! If they don't share that knowledge, these video-game addicts will start to believe that we all have three lives and that there are "extra" lives to be found along the way. They will start to think that you can shoot a guy and he will regenerate later in the game. Because they will not be mentally capable of conceiving of that guy who was beside you a moment ago ... he took one in the head. And that wet red splatter that is running down the side of your face is his brains and blood and bits of his skull ... He is not coming back; and the last thing you said to him will FOREVER be the last words you said to him - period. Remembrance Day ... is a good day for business because the shops are open and the highly paid government employees are off work. If you're lucky, your boss will give you the day off - maybe half a day. After all, it is just another day and there is work to do.
The nineties ... I Remember ... --- ... Croatia, Somalia, Haiti, Rwanda, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina. They called it Peace Keeping ... newsflash, you only need peacekeepers if you have something that looks a lot like the horrors of WAR. Some would say - but those guys are not veterans - but would those same intellectual giants care to step up and experience what was seen by those who went "Over There"? They are no less veterans than the WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam vets. Maybe you were too busy to notice but war didn't take a holiday. And we are so proud that we had a reputation as peacekeepers but some might say sending a soldier into a field of operation / conflict and telling him he cannot do "whatever it takes" to make it stop is cruel ... inhuman ... unconscionable. And when they come back all f-d up you cannot understand because you honestly believe that there is a difference. It ain't all rainbows, unicornsand butterflies. If it was easy, industry would go do the job and exploit everyone to make a profit in the process. No they are soldiers; their job is to HOLD THE LINE. Their job is to step into harm's path and say "You Shall Not Pass" ... We ask them to do this job and on November 11th We Remember - it is called Remembrance Day.
It is a new millennium ! A quiet stirring as the last of or WW1 veterans dies off. It may just become fashionable to remember ... Some of us shake our heads. What is it you want to remember? Them??? The Stories??? The HORROR?????? Okay, we'll take what little we can get. As long as they Remember; to quote Martha Stewart, "that's a good thing". Slowly but surely the Remembrance Day ceremonies start to become more ... important. We put them on tv. They are not important enough to insist that nobody works, but we can give the rich the day off. We can put on a good show ... for the masses, as long as the ratings are there. After all we must watch the bottom line. [teach your children well] I Remember ... --- ... Macedonia, Kosovo, Croatia, Lybia, Afghanistan, Iraq in the Persian Gulf and more ... yes more. They step up when they are needed; unconditionally. Imagine that ...
If you have read this far, you will reap the benefits of understanding what this is all about. Today I needed a poppy for my lapel. You see mine was on my leather jacket, has been for a week, but I was wearing a suit. Today I needed a poppy and I was at the Rideau Center - the largest retail destination in all of downtown Ottawa. So I went looking, and you'll never guess what I discovered.
When I was a child, you couldn't go into a store at this time of year and not see a poppy box. Drop in a coin and take a poppy. No Cash, no problem, take a poppy and donate to the legion when you can. It was important to show your gratitude and respect for the price/sacrifice by a simple display. I WEAR MY POPPY ON REMEMBRANCE DAY ! I do it because I was taught to do that. I cannot personally thank the men who bled out on Juno beach that day ... or at Passchendaele ... or in countless other conflicts that I have not managed to name. I cannot thank the mothers for letting their sons go off to fight and die unspeakable deaths on far-off shores ... but I can wear a small plastic poppy. If I could find one. And today I passed by many many stores that did NOT have a box of poppies at their cashes ... and I was annoyed. Because those f-ers want my money ... want your money ... want to enjoy all the perks and benefits of the freedom and liberty, but they don't want to risk losing a few cents to a Poppy-Drive box at their point of sale.
I found a poppy; it took more than half a kilometer but I found a poppy. I put my coffee down on a kiosk in the mall to pin it to my lapel and some harried shop-keeper (who is too cheap to pay full rent for a shop) came scurrying over to insist that I not put my coffee there ... Move it right away ... I lifted it and placed it on the floor at my feet while I told her that she didn't have enough inventory that I couldn't replace it ALL were I to have an accident. ... FFS! It takes less than 4 seconds to pin a poppy to your lapel ... unless you have to stop to relocate a coffee; then it takes eight.
I guess it is all about priorities. Today, mine was to get a poppy and show some respect and gratitude. It takes looking for a poppy to realize that I will not be spending much money at the Rideau Center any time soon. After all, If you're not wearing and selling poppies. how do I know that you are not secretly plotting against my freedom and liberty? Or worse ... ?
I have that right for the same reason that we are not all speaking German, Japanese and Italian the world over. I have the right to freedom of speech and association & thought because when the liberty and freedom of the world was threatened, some people who didn't think it was right to hide their head in the sand and let injustice steam-roller over them took a stand. They drew a line and, like Gandalf the Grey, said "you shall not pass". Then proceeded to do 'Whatever It Took' to ensure that a stop was put to those that would trample the world & its people under foot. They were people of a different time & they had different values ...
Today, we wouldn't stop Hitler because society would be too busy trying to coddle and console him for all of the circumstances that led him to "act out" ... Oh, Wait! That is what the leaders of Europe did ... until it became obvious that he was out to destroy the world. Until we had to take a stand and lay down many lives to bitch-slap him and his buddies back to reality.
Fast Forward
Mid to late sixties, school children are taught that there was a war and evil and death walked among us. The brave soldiers went to fight the wave of evil; many died and in the end "We Won". Our way of life was preserved & although the cost was unthinkable ... the freedom and liberty we enjoyed was ultimately worth the sacrifice. On November 11th, the anniversary of the armistice of the first great war we would honour the fallen and the survivors of all the wars. We would mark a day of remembrance! The children memorized a poem about poppies in a field in Flanders ... (it is more than a Simpson's character) ... and little Plastic poppies are sold to help fund veterans and to quote the Royal Canadian Legion " Since 1921, the Poppy has stood as a symbol of Remembrance, our visual pledge to never forget all those Canadians who have fallen in war and military operations. " Schools, businesses and government would take the day off and remember ... Because IF WE EVER FORGET we might have to learn that very costly lesson all over again.
Fast Forward
Mid seventies, school will maybe take a moment of silence, if the teacher isn't too busy, or high, to spare a though. Business are inconvenienced by having to stay closed half a day ... and people who are anti-war actually have the audacity to spit at veterans. After all, we don't remember what it was like to ration ... for the cause ... because somewhere along the way we started to believe that "The Man" is evil and whatever I/WE want is fine and there is no reason for me/us to go without. - The cracks are becoming noticeable. Public schools pay lip-service to Remembrance Day ... but the meaning and the memory is slipping away as the first generation dies and as tv replaces reality with mindless moving pictures spit out like a teen-aged boy's wad in the faces of the masses. And the news ... starts to bend the truth for ratings.
Fast Forward
The Eighties ... if I could remember it I'd talk about how the slow erosion steadily picked up momentum, but I self-medicated and just watched from behind empty soul-less eyes. A husk of the boy I had been decaying into drug-induced apathy. Not unlike many of those around me. The decay of morality, values and honour continued ... fractured families produced generation after generation of selfish bastards all addicted to something either chemical or worse - instant gratification!!!! Remembrance Day is televised and I see fewer and fewer ... increasingly frail veterans ... My heart, what is left of it, breaks as I realize that they are dying off. Taking with them the memory of the horror - the horror that is WAR! If they don't share that knowledge, these video-game addicts will start to believe that we all have three lives and that there are "extra" lives to be found along the way. They will start to think that you can shoot a guy and he will regenerate later in the game. Because they will not be mentally capable of conceiving of that guy who was beside you a moment ago ... he took one in the head. And that wet red splatter that is running down the side of your face is his brains and blood and bits of his skull ... He is not coming back; and the last thing you said to him will FOREVER be the last words you said to him - period. Remembrance Day ... is a good day for business because the shops are open and the highly paid government employees are off work. If you're lucky, your boss will give you the day off - maybe half a day. After all, it is just another day and there is work to do.
Fast Forward
The nineties ... I Remember ... --- ... Croatia, Somalia, Haiti, Rwanda, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina. They called it Peace Keeping ... newsflash, you only need peacekeepers if you have something that looks a lot like the horrors of WAR. Some would say - but those guys are not veterans - but would those same intellectual giants care to step up and experience what was seen by those who went "Over There"? They are no less veterans than the WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam vets. Maybe you were too busy to notice but war didn't take a holiday. And we are so proud that we had a reputation as peacekeepers but some might say sending a soldier into a field of operation / conflict and telling him he cannot do "whatever it takes" to make it stop is cruel ... inhuman ... unconscionable. And when they come back all f-d up you cannot understand because you honestly believe that there is a difference. It ain't all rainbows, unicornsand butterflies. If it was easy, industry would go do the job and exploit everyone to make a profit in the process. No they are soldiers; their job is to HOLD THE LINE. Their job is to step into harm's path and say "You Shall Not Pass" ... We ask them to do this job and on November 11th We Remember - it is called Remembrance Day.
Fast Forward
It is a new millennium ! A quiet stirring as the last of or WW1 veterans dies off. It may just become fashionable to remember ... Some of us shake our heads. What is it you want to remember? Them??? The Stories??? The HORROR?????? Okay, we'll take what little we can get. As long as they Remember; to quote Martha Stewart, "that's a good thing". Slowly but surely the Remembrance Day ceremonies start to become more ... important. We put them on tv. They are not important enough to insist that nobody works, but we can give the rich the day off. We can put on a good show ... for the masses, as long as the ratings are there. After all we must watch the bottom line. [teach your children well] I Remember ... --- ... Macedonia, Kosovo, Croatia, Lybia, Afghanistan, Iraq in the Persian Gulf and more ... yes more. They step up when they are needed; unconditionally. Imagine that ...
Are We There Yet? Have we arrived at today?
If you have read this far, you will reap the benefits of understanding what this is all about. Today I needed a poppy for my lapel. You see mine was on my leather jacket, has been for a week, but I was wearing a suit. Today I needed a poppy and I was at the Rideau Center - the largest retail destination in all of downtown Ottawa. So I went looking, and you'll never guess what I discovered.
When I was a child, you couldn't go into a store at this time of year and not see a poppy box. Drop in a coin and take a poppy. No Cash, no problem, take a poppy and donate to the legion when you can. It was important to show your gratitude and respect for the price/sacrifice by a simple display. I WEAR MY POPPY ON REMEMBRANCE DAY ! I do it because I was taught to do that. I cannot personally thank the men who bled out on Juno beach that day ... or at Passchendaele ... or in countless other conflicts that I have not managed to name. I cannot thank the mothers for letting their sons go off to fight and die unspeakable deaths on far-off shores ... but I can wear a small plastic poppy. If I could find one. And today I passed by many many stores that did NOT have a box of poppies at their cashes ... and I was annoyed. Because those f-ers want my money ... want your money ... want to enjoy all the perks and benefits of the freedom and liberty, but they don't want to risk losing a few cents to a Poppy-Drive box at their point of sale.
I found a poppy; it took more than half a kilometer but I found a poppy. I put my coffee down on a kiosk in the mall to pin it to my lapel and some harried shop-keeper (who is too cheap to pay full rent for a shop) came scurrying over to insist that I not put my coffee there ... Move it right away ... I lifted it and placed it on the floor at my feet while I told her that she didn't have enough inventory that I couldn't replace it ALL were I to have an accident. ... FFS! It takes less than 4 seconds to pin a poppy to your lapel ... unless you have to stop to relocate a coffee; then it takes eight.
I guess it is all about priorities. Today, mine was to get a poppy and show some respect and gratitude. It takes looking for a poppy to realize that I will not be spending much money at the Rideau Center any time soon. After all, If you're not wearing and selling poppies. how do I know that you are not secretly plotting against my freedom and liberty? Or worse ... ?
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Running On Empty ...
So you never know how hard it is until you are alone with your own thoughts. [here I lie, in my hospital bed. tell me Sister Morphine when are you coming round again ... ] I do not do alone very well. [oh & I don't think I can wait that long] I thrive on chaos and distraction. There are reasons for that but you don't need to know ... suffice to say that without some external stimuli the echoes in my head get louder & louder until a full out artillery barrage would be a welcome relief.
Today was one of those days. I had overslept, I had eaten well & enjoyed two cups of coffee. I turned on the TV for some background static and stopped on some Bollywood movie with subtitles ... and then proceeded to stare out the window watching the birds & the grey skies from a chair in the middle of the living room. Within 20 minutes I was crying ... the emptiness in my soul was unbearable and my life was a pathetic waste of time. Why did I survive? The self-loathing was palpable and the self-pity was out of control ... I was lost and the tears came.
Now don't get me wrong, I am fine with that; I recognized it for the self-deception that it was immediately. [Well it just goes to show things are not what they seem ... please, sister morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams. Oh, can't you see I'm fading fast, & that this shot will be my last?] I let the tears run their course (after all they are so therapeutic) and then I pulled my head back together. I thought of three things in my life for which I am grateful ... "count your blessings" ... and then I made a note to ensure that I wrote about this. I poured another coffee and settled into the hole-in-my-soul for a review of the blackness. [Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head. Come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed] Yes I am alone; no it will not kill me. Yes I am feeling helpless; no I am not cowering in a closet with a knife to my own throat. [because you know and I know in the morning I'll be dead and you can sit around, yeah and you can watch all the clean white sheets stained red.] Yes I am afraid that my life will amount to nothing; no there is no proof that that is true. Yes I do feel like I am and have achieved less that I am capable of ... but I am still proud of my contribution. You see, I Am Fifth Business.
I will likely never be the leader, although I can lead if necessary I may never be rich, but I buy lottery tickets in case God has an alternate plan, but my life is filled with priceless moments. I may never be important but the play cannot go on without me ... I Am Fifth Business. I am a linchpin in a world of chaos. I am moved here & there by circumstances to ensure that the universe does not come flying apart at the seams; and then I am off to the next happenstance. My needs are met along the way, but comfort always eludes me. I am never satisfied & frequently want to escape yet I never act out on the urge. And when the universe get to be too much & life is too painful and empty for me to continue. "The Powers That Be" throw me a bone [ I can like your face, I can bite it too. My teeth got rabies ... gonna give em to you. Feed me, Feed Me Can't you hear me howl.Feed Me; I'm a dammed dog now...] some random baby make eye contact & I hear God's voice in my head assuring me that it is all good. Some strange coincidence unfolds & I know that the universe appreciates what is happening. And when all else fails I see someone or something that is better for my efforts ... and I get to see how it has unfolded many years later. Some detail jumps out of the chaos and maelstrom & I remember that moment years ago when unseen hands intervened in the lives of lesser beings to adjust an outcome. I remember & I am grateful ... because although I may never win the love of the heroine, and I may never be "the hero" [ I wish I could swim; like dolphins, like dolphins can swim ...] ... --- ... I am Fifth Business & it couldn't have happened without me. Yes, I Am Fifth Business & the play is the thing
Today was one of those days. I had overslept, I had eaten well & enjoyed two cups of coffee. I turned on the TV for some background static and stopped on some Bollywood movie with subtitles ... and then proceeded to stare out the window watching the birds & the grey skies from a chair in the middle of the living room. Within 20 minutes I was crying ... the emptiness in my soul was unbearable and my life was a pathetic waste of time. Why did I survive? The self-loathing was palpable and the self-pity was out of control ... I was lost and the tears came.
Now don't get me wrong, I am fine with that; I recognized it for the self-deception that it was immediately. [Well it just goes to show things are not what they seem ... please, sister morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams. Oh, can't you see I'm fading fast, & that this shot will be my last?] I let the tears run their course (after all they are so therapeutic) and then I pulled my head back together. I thought of three things in my life for which I am grateful ... "count your blessings" ... and then I made a note to ensure that I wrote about this. I poured another coffee and settled into the hole-in-my-soul for a review of the blackness. [Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head. Come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed] Yes I am alone; no it will not kill me. Yes I am feeling helpless; no I am not cowering in a closet with a knife to my own throat. [because you know and I know in the morning I'll be dead and you can sit around, yeah and you can watch all the clean white sheets stained red.] Yes I am afraid that my life will amount to nothing; no there is no proof that that is true. Yes I do feel like I am and have achieved less that I am capable of ... but I am still proud of my contribution. You see, I Am Fifth Business.
I will likely never be the leader, although I can lead if necessary I may never be rich, but I buy lottery tickets in case God has an alternate plan, but my life is filled with priceless moments. I may never be important but the play cannot go on without me ... I Am Fifth Business. I am a linchpin in a world of chaos. I am moved here & there by circumstances to ensure that the universe does not come flying apart at the seams; and then I am off to the next happenstance. My needs are met along the way, but comfort always eludes me. I am never satisfied & frequently want to escape yet I never act out on the urge. And when the universe get to be too much & life is too painful and empty for me to continue. "The Powers That Be" throw me a bone [ I can like your face, I can bite it too. My teeth got rabies ... gonna give em to you. Feed me, Feed Me Can't you hear me howl.Feed Me; I'm a dammed dog now...] some random baby make eye contact & I hear God's voice in my head assuring me that it is all good. Some strange coincidence unfolds & I know that the universe appreciates what is happening. And when all else fails I see someone or something that is better for my efforts ... and I get to see how it has unfolded many years later. Some detail jumps out of the chaos and maelstrom & I remember that moment years ago when unseen hands intervened in the lives of lesser beings to adjust an outcome. I remember & I am grateful ... because although I may never win the love of the heroine, and I may never be "the hero" [ I wish I could swim; like dolphins, like dolphins can swim ...] ... --- ... I am Fifth Business & it couldn't have happened without me. Yes, I Am Fifth Business & the play is the thing
Monday, September 24, 2012
curriouser & curriouser
It is odd how the stats for this blog show how it has been viewed over time. I intentionally do not publish links to this one out of interest in how the web works. I have, in the past, linked to it on my FB wall but that was always locked down to "Friends Only" so it is interesting how I have views from many places in the world. Places I am not likely to have friends.
All The Same, if they want to look - let them. Put out the honey-pots & see what you can catch I always said. Vigilamus pro Te
All The Same, if they want to look - let them. Put out the honey-pots & see what you can catch I always said. Vigilamus pro Te
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Help yourself....
Today I stopped into a local mall way-too-early and I paused to listen to a fountain. While I was there a dude was also lounging on a nearby bench. He had come in a moment after me.
He wait impatiently a minute the walked a few feet and started checking out the contents of the foodbank donation bins. He looked over his shoulder at me but didn't move on. A moment later he took off his backpack and started taking items from the bin and placing them into his pack.
I walked over and whispered to him that God was watching. I walked away stopping a few meters later to take a picture which I bored to a couple of social media sites
Hard yo believe that people think that their selfish need takes president over everyone else.
Monday, August 27, 2012
What motivates you ???
What motivates you to drag yourself out of bed from day to day? How do you face the world? How do you really feel about your life?
I only ask because I find myself frequently wanting to escape. I would love to just walk away and forget that I ever existed ... You see, I'm well beyond where you expect that you would start having some of the creature comforts of life & still I barely eek out an existence. Financially I am no better off than I was when I used to try and stretch my paycheque out over two weeks ... Somehow I needed to ensure that I didn't come down for too long. And that worked for a while ... but I never could get ahead.
Many, many years ago, I quit doing dope & gave up drinking but life is still a tedious chain of pathetic financial mismanagement. And I am getting tired.
In my youth I had the insanity ... I could just imagine that everything was fine. I had hope, and always believed that some day I would be okay. When I got my sh_t together, life would be better. When I met "that right woman" I wouldn't feel this endless loneliness and we'd live happily ever after in "perfect love & perfect trust. I would have a decent job & I wouldn't have to worry about money any more - I would have some security.
FFS !!!! When did I get old? And where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is my "happily ever after"? Why have I lived my life like this? Every a-hole I ever met own his own house; they drive a car ... and always have all of the trappings of success. On the outside they look happy. I have no idea what they FEEL because I couldn't be bothered asking them. I don't like a-holes.
But where is my happy ending? And why am I so tired - at the level of my soul? I am exhausted; I'm tired of sitting on top of "Ricky Redskin" (ricky retardo) ... always making sure that the rage doesn't get the better of me ... That I don't beat the living sh_t out of the next person who dares to try and make me feel unworthy. FFS, I am tired of eating sh_t and smiling ... and I'm tired of being taken for granted.
Deep inside is a small part of me that almost wishes that on that day when I made a choice not to stab that guy ... a part of me still shouts "that was your first mistake"! And I know that if I had stabbed that guy, my life would have been different.
In all honesty, it would not have been better; but it would have been very different.
I'm tired; so very, very tired.
P.S.:
Less than an hour later, I'm listening to "In The Living Years" and I'm reminded the ... --- ...
If you don't give up & you't give in, you may just be okay!
I only ask because I find myself frequently wanting to escape. I would love to just walk away and forget that I ever existed ... You see, I'm well beyond where you expect that you would start having some of the creature comforts of life & still I barely eek out an existence. Financially I am no better off than I was when I used to try and stretch my paycheque out over two weeks ... Somehow I needed to ensure that I didn't come down for too long. And that worked for a while ... but I never could get ahead.
Many, many years ago, I quit doing dope & gave up drinking but life is still a tedious chain of pathetic financial mismanagement. And I am getting tired.
In my youth I had the insanity ... I could just imagine that everything was fine. I had hope, and always believed that some day I would be okay. When I got my sh_t together, life would be better. When I met "that right woman" I wouldn't feel this endless loneliness and we'd live happily ever after in "perfect love & perfect trust. I would have a decent job & I wouldn't have to worry about money any more - I would have some security.
FFS !!!! When did I get old? And where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is my "happily ever after"? Why have I lived my life like this? Every a-hole I ever met own his own house; they drive a car ... and always have all of the trappings of success. On the outside they look happy. I have no idea what they FEEL because I couldn't be bothered asking them. I don't like a-holes.
But where is my happy ending? And why am I so tired - at the level of my soul? I am exhausted; I'm tired of sitting on top of "Ricky Redskin" (ricky retardo) ... always making sure that the rage doesn't get the better of me ... That I don't beat the living sh_t out of the next person who dares to try and make me feel unworthy. FFS, I am tired of eating sh_t and smiling ... and I'm tired of being taken for granted.
Deep inside is a small part of me that almost wishes that on that day when I made a choice not to stab that guy ... a part of me still shouts "that was your first mistake"! And I know that if I had stabbed that guy, my life would have been different.
In all honesty, it would not have been better; but it would have been very different.
I'm tired; so very, very tired.
P.S.:
Less than an hour later, I'm listening to "In The Living Years" and I'm reminded the ... --- ...
If you don't give up & you't give in, you may just be okay!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Who, What, Why, H.O.W. & 1 more ...
I managed to shave today! That should't be a big deal but it never a given these days.
What is more important is that I made it out the door and got to a meeting tonight. It wasn't that I needed A Meeting - although that became obvious as I sat there. It was because somebody who mattered in my world was celebrating 10 years.
Funny thing is that I have long since felt that our friendship was over. Which is why it is a good thing that I small open minded enough to remember that my own best thinking got me into this hole.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
R.I.P. Kitty Well & then some
So I am sitting here and I'm listening to Classic Country.
He said I'll love you 'til I die. She told him you'll forget in time ...
As the years went slowly by, she still preyed upon his mind.
I started this trip a while ago listening to "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels" ... you know because Kitty Wells has passed away. Then I listened to "Will Your Lawyer Talk To God".
He kept her picture on his wall ...
And round about 10 minutes ago I landed on George .... Jones that is. You may not know this about me but I cannot listen to "He Stopped Loving Her Today" without being overcome by abject sorrow. But I will listen to this song for half an hour straight ...
... - - - ... He went half crazy now and then ... - - - ...
And over and over and over ... The hurt never stops. Sometimes it is Dick's voice singing along in my mind. Other times it is my voice (circa 1983) and I can still see the sky out of the window on Forrester ...
He still loved her through it all ... kept hoping she'd come back again
Then other times it is George's voice ... or Rob Zahacey's, he sang it all the time too, or Faron Young. Nope the song speaks to a place in me the longs to be honoured. A depth that seems to fade as the world slips further and further from morality, integrity & honour. Away from what would be God & headlong into chaos with eyes wide open into an embrace of selfish instant gratification. Wrapped in lies & self deception we gladly accept what was once unimaginable.
Kept some letters by his bed; dated 1962. He had underlined in red, every single I love you
If you haven't already heard it I recommend a version by Josh Turner he does a decent cover with amazing sound. But I digress. I have watched as our politicians have become increasingly more self-important. I have stood by and witnessed as business has moved from being part of the community to being a parasite upon the community - with the blessings of the law-makers. I grow tired and I wonder why we collectively accept that kind of stuff. Are we just too busy trying to survive to care any more?
I went to see him just today; but I didn't see no tears. All dressed up to go away - first time I'd seen him smile in years
How does God tolerate the way the world chooses to grow? What would our grandparents think of the world we have created? How would the men & boys who volunteered to go and die in 1914 - 1918 feel about the deal they got, knowing what we have become ... what we did with the freedom they paid so dearly for?
Indeed, what about the men and women who made that same great sacrifice in the second Great War? If they had it all to do again knowing what we would do with the future they handed us, would they ????
You see, we cannot all have it all. Not everyone can be rich! Not everyone can be "on top", because on top has to crawl over somebody to get there. [The "12 Good Men" must be growing weary trying to offset the evil ...]
and that means for the gain and comfort of the one - there is a price to pay. It has always been my opinion that there is plenty to go around, but only if nobody takes more than their share. However, in today's world I do not believe that there are enough people willing to risk it. They are too afraid that they will not have enough to share their EXTRA with those in need. And on top of it all we have a mentality of "Money For Nothing" ...
He stopped loving her today. We placed a 'rose' upon his door ... and soon they'll carry me away - I stopped loving her today
Yes, there is a business case that says, I will insert myself in between those who have and those who need ... and I will profit from any and all transactions that I can while adding NO VALUE. The most insane part of that is that WE collectively accept that as the status quo. FFS!!! Little wonder this country is in pathetic shape. ...
MAYBE ITS TIME WE GOT BACK TO THE BASICS OF LOVE ...
- I stopped loving her today
He said I'll love you 'til I die. She told him you'll forget in time ...
As the years went slowly by, she still preyed upon his mind.
I started this trip a while ago listening to "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels" ... you know because Kitty Wells has passed away. Then I listened to "Will Your Lawyer Talk To God".
He kept her picture on his wall ...
And round about 10 minutes ago I landed on George .... Jones that is. You may not know this about me but I cannot listen to "He Stopped Loving Her Today" without being overcome by abject sorrow. But I will listen to this song for half an hour straight ...
... - - - ... He went half crazy now and then ... - - - ...
And over and over and over ... The hurt never stops. Sometimes it is Dick's voice singing along in my mind. Other times it is my voice (circa 1983) and I can still see the sky out of the window on Forrester ...
He still loved her through it all ... kept hoping she'd come back again
Then other times it is George's voice ... or Rob Zahacey's, he sang it all the time too, or Faron Young. Nope the song speaks to a place in me the longs to be honoured. A depth that seems to fade as the world slips further and further from morality, integrity & honour. Away from what would be God & headlong into chaos with eyes wide open into an embrace of selfish instant gratification. Wrapped in lies & self deception we gladly accept what was once unimaginable.
Kept some letters by his bed; dated 1962. He had underlined in red, every single I love you
If you haven't already heard it I recommend a version by Josh Turner he does a decent cover with amazing sound. But I digress. I have watched as our politicians have become increasingly more self-important. I have stood by and witnessed as business has moved from being part of the community to being a parasite upon the community - with the blessings of the law-makers. I grow tired and I wonder why we collectively accept that kind of stuff. Are we just too busy trying to survive to care any more?
I went to see him just today; but I didn't see no tears. All dressed up to go away - first time I'd seen him smile in years
How does God tolerate the way the world chooses to grow? What would our grandparents think of the world we have created? How would the men & boys who volunteered to go and die in 1914 - 1918 feel about the deal they got, knowing what we have become ... what we did with the freedom they paid so dearly for?
He stopped loving her today
... They placed a wreath upon his door
... ... And soon they'll carry him away
... - - - ... He stopped loving her today
(Spoken)
You know she came to see him one last time. Oh and we all wondered if she would
And it kept running through my mind ... "This time he's over her for good!"
You see, we cannot all have it all. Not everyone can be rich! Not everyone can be "on top", because on top has to crawl over somebody to get there. [The "12 Good Men" must be growing weary trying to offset the evil ...]
and that means for the gain and comfort of the one - there is a price to pay. It has always been my opinion that there is plenty to go around, but only if nobody takes more than their share. However, in today's world I do not believe that there are enough people willing to risk it. They are too afraid that they will not have enough to share their EXTRA with those in need. And on top of it all we have a mentality of "Money For Nothing" ...
He stopped loving her today. We placed a 'rose' upon his door ... and soon they'll carry me away - I stopped loving her today
Yes, there is a business case that says, I will insert myself in between those who have and those who need ... and I will profit from any and all transactions that I can while adding NO VALUE. The most insane part of that is that WE collectively accept that as the status quo. FFS!!! Little wonder this country is in pathetic shape. ...
MAYBE ITS TIME WE GOT BACK TO THE BASICS OF LOVE ...
- I stopped loving her today
... First Time I'd seen him smile in years ...
Friday, May 18, 2012
I Hear Voices ...
From time to time I find myself alone. I don't let it happen often because that is when the echoes get the loudest. No really, I walk in a room & turn on a tv or radio just to keep it at bay.
Still from time to time it happens and I get lost in the echoes. It is exhausting and I generally end up talking to God. And when that happens, I admit that I Am Tired!!!
So today I experienced one of those moments ... and then it passed. The voices are still there... the pain and loneliness are still there ... the fatigue is still there. I'm still alone, but I should be okay.
Friday, May 4, 2012
I'm a carnivore. Its true. I harbor a secret desire to run something down & rip its throat out with my teeth (or whats left of my teeth). So sometimes the meat department at the supermarket just stinks too much for me to spend enough time there to pick through the junk that they try to pass off as edible.
But yesterday evening, it wasn't just the food ... everything & everyone was just too darn fragrant. Cheap chemical body products, sweaty fat people, children ... Still I managed to spend $150.00 getting groceries for a single person; I must have been hungry. Even when I got out side the air smelled of the storm and walking home the air under the power lines smelled like it always does when the air is heavy and humid.
You may wonder why any of this is worth talking about? But you see that is the thing, my nose does not work like yours does. Most of the time I smell "Life" & "death" ... if it is about to go mouldy, I smell it ... if there is a dead mouse in a field I smell it. But all of my life if people said "smell this" I couldn't. And then on rare occasions ... it is like someone turns on the stereo full volume ... and the smell of opening a coffee can of the fridge is enough to gag me. ... and even then most of the time it goes away ... but last night ... Last night I could have hunted with the wolves. Smells in technicolor!!!
I am trying to make an effort to control what I eat, which means cooking more of my food from scratch. We'll see if it helps me to get my blood pressure down a bit further. But the house sure smelled good as I made shepherds pie from scratch
But yesterday evening, it wasn't just the food ... everything & everyone was just too darn fragrant. Cheap chemical body products, sweaty fat people, children ... Still I managed to spend $150.00 getting groceries for a single person; I must have been hungry. Even when I got out side the air smelled of the storm and walking home the air under the power lines smelled like it always does when the air is heavy and humid.
You may wonder why any of this is worth talking about? But you see that is the thing, my nose does not work like yours does. Most of the time I smell "Life" & "death" ... if it is about to go mouldy, I smell it ... if there is a dead mouse in a field I smell it. But all of my life if people said "smell this" I couldn't. And then on rare occasions ... it is like someone turns on the stereo full volume ... and the smell of opening a coffee can of the fridge is enough to gag me. ... and even then most of the time it goes away ... but last night ... Last night I could have hunted with the wolves. Smells in technicolor!!!
I am trying to make an effort to control what I eat, which means cooking more of my food from scratch. We'll see if it helps me to get my blood pressure down a bit further. But the house sure smelled good as I made shepherds pie from scratch
Thursday, April 26, 2012
.. and the damage done ...
So lets track a play-list .... It started with an angry feeling ... What you may not know is that anger is a "Mask-Feeling" in my world. I feel anger Well it just goes to show. Things are not what they seem ... Please, sister morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams. when the core is under attack Sister Morphine - hopelessness . Anger is a defense that many people avoid ... people shy away from angry people because we have an inherent survival instinct and angry people are dangerous. I used to get angry and people Well, when you're sitting there, in your silk upholstered chair ... left me alone Talking to some rich folks that you know. Well I hope you won't see me in my ragged company; you know I could never be alone ... alone I could handle Dead Flowers - sorrow - it only hurts a little. Alone I was safe. Alone, behind the locked door, inside the closet, on the floor sobbing into the pillow, wishing I could die ... I was safe.
But, I didn't die. Oh, a storm is threat'ning my very life today. I learned ways to cope. I built a wall twenty feet thick and a mile high all around myself. If I don't get some shelter, oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away I dug a moat and laid out mines ... bricked up the only door - and I was safe. I numbed my mind and I was safe ... Gimme, gimme shelter ... or I'm gonna fade away Alone and safe Gimme Shelter - desperation.
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed
...
Let me take you there. let me take you there
[ / musical Interlude: Kashmir ]
And when being numb and locked away safe stopped working If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? I risked everything and came out to play. I must be travelin' on now; there's so many places I got to see... I struggled to find a way out of the prison Freebird - because I want to run away of my own making and bye bye babe its been a sweet love ... I came back to the world. though this feeling I can't change. But please don't take it so badly ... 'cause Lord know I'm to blame I should be grateful Won't you fly high Free Bird yea .... because I know many souls that were not as fortunate as I was in that respect. Yes I survived; but I feel like I'm always playing catch-up! So, so you think you can tell, heaven for hell .... And to make matters worse, I am a grow man who has had to learn how to be an adult - against my will. I have met the enemy How I wish, how I wish you were here ... we're just two lost souls ... & he is ME!!!Wish You Were Here - for absent friends !
Yes I continue to be my own worst enemy. I permit myself to be drawn into situations that drain my essence until I am spent and then I crumble. Breath, Breathe in the air; don't be afraid to care ... And when I crumble I am left to pick up the pieces & recreate myself. Leave but don't leave me ... Look around, choose your own ground. And each and every time I recreate myself I am tempted to do it for real ... I want to leave ... let Rick die and just become Lenny or Robert Smith or John Doe. A nameless face in a menial job in some run down hole of a town where nobody will ever know me balanced on the biggest wave you race toward an early grave. and I can just live out what is left of this pathetic existence and die.
But I know the last time I tried to run away from myself Remember when you were young ... you shone like the sun that it didn't work ... and without doing something drastic it would not work if I tried again either. So I guess I will just Shine on you crazy diamond ...dust myself off. In a moment I will paste a link to this entry and bare my soul for the world to see ...
But, I didn't die. Oh, a storm is threat'ning my very life today. I learned ways to cope. I built a wall twenty feet thick and a mile high all around myself. If I don't get some shelter, oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away I dug a moat and laid out mines ... bricked up the only door - and I was safe. I numbed my mind and I was safe ... Gimme, gimme shelter ... or I'm gonna fade away Alone and safe Gimme Shelter - desperation.
[ musical Interlude: Kashmir - because it was there ]
Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dreamI am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed
...
Let me take you there. let me take you there
[ / musical Interlude: Kashmir ]
And when being numb and locked away safe stopped working If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? I risked everything and came out to play. I must be travelin' on now; there's so many places I got to see... I struggled to find a way out of the prison Freebird - because I want to run away of my own making and bye bye babe its been a sweet love ... I came back to the world. though this feeling I can't change. But please don't take it so badly ... 'cause Lord know I'm to blame I should be grateful Won't you fly high Free Bird yea .... because I know many souls that were not as fortunate as I was in that respect. Yes I survived; but I feel like I'm always playing catch-up! So, so you think you can tell, heaven for hell .... And to make matters worse, I am a grow man who has had to learn how to be an adult - against my will. I have met the enemy How I wish, how I wish you were here ... we're just two lost souls ... & he is ME!!!Wish You Were Here - for absent friends !
Yes I continue to be my own worst enemy. I permit myself to be drawn into situations that drain my essence until I am spent and then I crumble. Breath, Breathe in the air; don't be afraid to care ... And when I crumble I am left to pick up the pieces & recreate myself. Leave but don't leave me ... Look around, choose your own ground. And each and every time I recreate myself I am tempted to do it for real ... I want to leave ... let Rick die and just become Lenny or Robert Smith or John Doe. A nameless face in a menial job in some run down hole of a town where nobody will ever know me balanced on the biggest wave you race toward an early grave. and I can just live out what is left of this pathetic existence and die.
But I know the last time I tried to run away from myself Remember when you were young ... you shone like the sun that it didn't work ... and without doing something drastic it would not work if I tried again either. So I guess I will just Shine on you crazy diamond ...dust myself off. In a moment I will paste a link to this entry and bare my soul for the world to see ...
Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!
Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I'll be joining you there. Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we'll bask in the shadow of yesterday's triumph, sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser, come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine
And then I will go to sleep ... to sleep per chance to dream ... and if I am lucky, I will wake up in Sandy Hill at six years old with a lifetime of memories and a will not to make the same f-ing mistakes again. But is more likely that I will wake up a day older with all the same problems and grief in my world. And either way I should be thankful because every day I wake up breathing is a good day .... or at least I keep telling myself that. I hope its not another lie.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sigh
I'm having one of those "challenging" months. You know how that goes? Right?
I know that I will survive and that things will improve but it is still frustrating. I don't know why I expected that by this point in my life that I MIGHT have some of the trappings of success ... you know the trappings American dream and all that ... But, somehow the country and maybe even the world sold out on me. The rich are getting richer the poor are getting vocal.
I guess "my Bible told me so" are words that offer little comfort. I certainly hope that my faith is more of a comfort.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Mad, Sad, Glad & Afraid
Those are how you try to label the world { I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in I am lost . . . I am helpless It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. } when you don't know any other way. Today I am SAD; technically the term is depression. I am lethargic, not hungry, & I hurt all over. The symptoms may change today, or tomorrow ... whenever.
I've been here before; { I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. } I know what it is now. I have developed tools to cope with this and I know that I can survive this. It does not make it any easier when it come on like it does. It does not change the fact that it can feel overwhelming ... { I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in . . . it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. } but I know now that there is hope.
And it is in the knowing that I find my solution. I know that I will survive & I know that when I have survived it will have been my doing that got me there. I will have done the work. { I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. } I will have been the source - well, me & my faith in my HP. So I get out of bed.
Yes, I get out of bed. I pray, I shower (maybe tomorrow I will shave & possibly feel like eating something) I spent a few moments cleaning up the chaos in my bedroom. I will journal, and read some recovery literature. I will read something else for pleasure, too. I will pick up the phone and call someone (reach out for support, comfort or help) ... and then I will call someone else just to tell them that I love them. I will be gentle with myself ...Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself... { I walk down another street. } I will make a list of things for which I am { "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" By Portia Nelson & Sandra for sharing it with me before she left } grateful. And when the day is done, I will reflect on my day & say thanks to my HP for another day filled with blessings.
And tomorrow ... tomorrow will dawn filled with promise and hope. However, even if it does not happen immediately I know that I can survive & that IT WILL! So today I am
If you are reading this, know that you are loved. Rest assured that not only are you loved but somewhere out there someone needs to know that you care and that they matter - call them and ask them what's up. Out of the BLUE there are so many wonders and gifts ... both for the taking ... --- ... & for the Giving! Be well!
I've been here before; { I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. } I know what it is now. I have developed tools to cope with this and I know that I can survive this. It does not make it any easier when it come on like it does. It does not change the fact that it can feel overwhelming ... { I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in . . . it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. } but I know now that there is hope.
And it is in the knowing that I find my solution. I know that I will survive & I know that when I have survived it will have been my doing that got me there. I will have done the work. { I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. } I will have been the source - well, me & my faith in my HP. So I get out of bed.
Yes, I get out of bed. I pray, I shower (maybe tomorrow I will shave & possibly feel like eating something) I spent a few moments cleaning up the chaos in my bedroom. I will journal, and read some recovery literature. I will read something else for pleasure, too. I will pick up the phone and call someone (reach out for support, comfort or help) ... and then I will call someone else just to tell them that I love them. I will be gentle with myself ...Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself... { I walk down another street. } I will make a list of things for which I am { "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" By Portia Nelson & Sandra for sharing it with me before she left } grateful. And when the day is done, I will reflect on my day & say thanks to my HP for another day filled with blessings.
And tomorrow ... tomorrow will dawn filled with promise and hope. However, even if it does not happen immediately I know that I can survive & that IT WILL! So today I am
If you are reading this, know that you are loved. Rest assured that not only are you loved but somewhere out there someone needs to know that you care and that they matter - call them and ask them what's up. Out of the BLUE there are so many wonders and gifts ... both for the taking ... --- ... & for the Giving! Be well!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Today ... are we done yet?
Today is the first day in a very long time that I wish I could "numb-out" [ I remember when you were down & you needed a helping hand ...] and forget all of my problems. I am a long time member of a 12-step fellowship and have considerable clean time, [I came to feed you but now that I need you you won't give me a second glance ....] but today I long for the simplicity of the quick fix.
This too shall pass and [now I'm calling all citizens from all over the world ... --- ... This is Captain America calling ... ] I will greet tomorrow as I greeted today. I will have one more day of clean-time under my belt and a clean slate, but for a moment [I bailed you out when you were down on your knees so won't you catch me now, I'm Falling ...] I actually did feel like escaping.
My heart is physically tired. My teeth hurt - even the ones that have long since been extracted seem to ache. I'm sad & I feel a great deal of hopelessness. [Help Me Now I'm Calling You !!! Catch me now I'm Falling!!!] I wonder and worry about tomorrow knowing that I can barely keep a handle on today. As a youth I never expected to be worried about having enough when I got "here". Now that I am "here" [ ... its in your hands its up to you ... catch me now I'm fallin' ...] I wonder if I will be able to live honourably long enough to die that way.
Deep inside me is a man who believes in all that is "Good & Right" ... Long Live The Once & Future King! ... I am pretty certain he is almost mad, but I admire & respect him for his courage and his convictions. Oh Wait, he is ME! I respect me for my courage, convictions & tenacity. I believe that my HP does not offer me challenges that I am not equipped for & capable of dealing with. So I guess I will just buck up and do the next right thing ... after all that is what I do
Whatever It Takes.
This too shall pass and [now I'm calling all citizens from all over the world ... --- ... This is Captain America calling ... ] I will greet tomorrow as I greeted today. I will have one more day of clean-time under my belt and a clean slate, but for a moment [I bailed you out when you were down on your knees so won't you catch me now, I'm Falling ...] I actually did feel like escaping.
My heart is physically tired. My teeth hurt - even the ones that have long since been extracted seem to ache. I'm sad & I feel a great deal of hopelessness. [Help Me Now I'm Calling You !!! Catch me now I'm Falling!!!] I wonder and worry about tomorrow knowing that I can barely keep a handle on today. As a youth I never expected to be worried about having enough when I got "here". Now that I am "here" [ ... its in your hands its up to you ... catch me now I'm fallin' ...] I wonder if I will be able to live honourably long enough to die that way.
Deep inside me is a man who believes in all that is "Good & Right" ... Long Live The Once & Future King! ... I am pretty certain he is almost mad, but I admire & respect him for his courage and his convictions. Oh Wait, he is ME! I respect me for my courage, convictions & tenacity. I believe that my HP does not offer me challenges that I am not equipped for & capable of dealing with. So I guess I will just buck up and do the next right thing ... after all that is what I do
Whatever It Takes.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Pixies & power-brokers & puddy-tats Oh My!
So I was just procrastinating a bit & saw a tweet from @kady, my favourite little pixie, that said she was covering a conservative convention thing & that Rona Ambrose was going to be speaking/announcing something or other. And I thought to myself ... "that has the makings of a great `Diva-Match`" - if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I don't think even the imaginary entertainment would be enough to deaden the pain of attending a Manning Center Networking Convention (or whatever it is). Don't get me wrong, I still value conservative political values ... I just have no use for conservative politicians - with the rare exception of some of the yummy-bits. And I know that even those ones probably look better from a distance ...
Anyway, I don't think even the imaginary entertainment would be enough to deaden the pain of attending a Manning Center Networking Convention (or whatever it is). Don't get me wrong, I still value conservative political values ... I just have no use for conservative politicians - with the rare exception of some of the yummy-bits. And I know that even those ones probably look better from a distance ...
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Magician's Birthday
In a few hours the magician will be a year older. Not a big deal but as a society we program our children to expect and to make a big deal of these aniversaries.
I like the idea from The Shire. The person who is turning a year older shows how important the people in his life are by having a party and giving back to them. Just a thought, maybe there would be fewer selfish self-centered people in the world.
If you are reading this post know that you are loved.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Strange
I woke up out of a strange dream a short while ago. I was in my own bedroom (although, physically I was sleeping in a different place) and it was still dark (although in reality the sun had risen & for the record i see well in the dark) in dreamtime I see perfectly in the dark ...
I was trying to shake my head. Trying to get someone or something out of my mind/thoughts. When I made my way to the door, it was ajar and a corn-straw broom was wedging it open.
Unusual symbology! You see, I sleep with the door closed. I wake when the seal is compromised ... So the feeling that some unknown source was accessing my consciousness was punctuated by the broom in the door. Very few people come to mind but one may have left this world.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Exhausted
I am tired. I am lonely ... But I have behaved in an honourable fashion and now it is time to sleep.
You may want to tell someone how much you love them tomorrow.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
digest that and let me know what you think ...
Well I have had an interesting week; I have witnessed a death. I have attended as someone I loved made funeral arrangements ... I have been supportive through all of that & then some. And of course, I have watched as it all unfolded. The is what I do - I am a witness. I observe ...
I have felt all of the ups & downs. I have experienced the helplessness & the emptiness ... the sorrow & the joy that are inherent in the passing of a beloved friend/family member. And I watched as others walked through that same shared experience ... They each did their best to comfort each other & to find solace themselves. I have lots to think about ...
I have felt all of the ups & downs. I have experienced the helplessness & the emptiness ... the sorrow & the joy that are inherent in the passing of a beloved friend/family member. And I watched as others walked through that same shared experience ... They each did their best to comfort each other & to find solace themselves. I have lots to think about ...
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Everybody Hurts ... Take Comfort In
your friends, your faith ... whatever it takes.
Delores is comfortable and she will slip away soon - I am sad. I am afraid .... While I was in treatment, I was introduced to "Mad, Sad, Glad & Afraid" ... While I had experienced those feelings prior to that, I never knew they had names. Familiarity has not made me much more comfortable with them. Honestly, with the exception of glad I don't really care for their company.
Everybody cries ... Everybody hurts, some time.
Friday, January 6, 2012
7 Days ...
Seven more more days ... An' I'll be waitin' at the station ... Well it has been a long week. New year, big changes!
But today I learned that I've lost an aunt. And soon my gf's mom is likely to pass away. I know how precious life is ... I know it better than most people. It hurts; it is frightening.
I have my faith, I have my friends and I realize just how big the "ripples" of any single life are as we pass through the universe.
I have seen many people this week and watched the various ways that they are coping with their own crisis ... And I have felt a profound empathy as each has intersected along my path. I have watched the gentle and caring staff as they tended to the patients ... I do not envy them that burden. I admire them, but I don't envy them.
Thank God for psychotherapy
For a very long time I have nurtured one single relationship in my life regularly. That would be the one between myself & my therapist. To quote John Baldry, "I'm not really mental; its just that I've got bad nerves". But seriously, it has been a touchstone in my journey. One that began when I was just over a year clean & sober.
I suspect that it will soon fade, but just for today I will continue to make use of it. And today I needed that! This has been a challenging week. With all the time I've spent at the hospital and pushing "my will" against the universe. You think that I would know better ... but I still believe in miracles & majic..
Now if only I could learn to Tust God's Will ...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Lonliness ...
I have 2cellphones; they never ring. They emphasize just how lonely I am.
My girlfriend's mom is seriously ill, and I've spent some time in the ICU at the hospital lately. I see just how fragile life is ... And I remember the infinite emptiness between flashes of awareness ... The void between instants that are lifetimes.
If you are reading this, know that you are loved. Pass It On!
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