.. and the damage done ...

So lets track a play-list ....   It started with an angry feeling ...  What you may not know is that anger is a "Mask-Feeling" in my world.  I feel anger Well it just goes to show.  Things are not what they seem ... Please, sister morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams. when the core is under attack Sister Morphine - hopelessness .   Anger is a defense that  many people avoid ... people shy away from angry people because we have an inherent survival instinct and angry people are dangerous.   I used to get angry and people Well, when you're sitting there, in your silk upholstered chair ... left me alone Talking to some rich folks that you know.  Well I hope you won't see me in my ragged company; you know I could never be alone  ... alone I could handle Dead Flowers - sorrow - it only hurts a little.  Alone I was safe.  Alone, behind the locked door, inside the closet, on the floor sobbing into the pillow, wishing I could die ... I was safe.

But, I didn't die. Oh, a storm is threat'ning my very life today.   I learned ways to cope.  I built a wall twenty feet thick and a mile high all around myself.  If I don't get some shelter, oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away I dug a moat and laid out mines ...  bricked up the only door - and I was safe.    I numbed my mind and I was safe ... Gimme, gimme shelter ... or I'm gonna fade away  Alone and safe Gimme Shelter -  desperation.  

 [ musical Interlude: Kashmir - because it was there ]

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed
... 
Let me take you there. let me take you there
 [ / musical Interlude: Kashmir  ]

 

And when being numb and locked away safe stopped working  If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? I risked everything and came out to play.  I must be travelin' on now; there's so many places I got to see...  I struggled to find a way out of the prison Freebird - because I want to run away of my own making and bye bye babe its been a sweet love ... I came back to the world. though this feeling I can't change. But please don't take it so badly ... 'cause Lord know I'm to blame   I should be grateful Won't you fly high Free Bird yea .... because I know many souls that were not as fortunate as I was in that respect.       Yes I survived; but I feel like I'm always playing catch-up! So, so you think you can tell, heaven for hell  ....   And to make matters worse, I am a grow man who has had to learn how to be an adult - against my will.   I have met the enemy How I wish, how I wish you were here ... we're just two lost souls ... & he is ME!!!Wish You Were Here - for absent friends !

Yes I continue to be my own worst enemy.  I permit myself to be drawn into situations that drain my essence until I am spent and then I crumble. Breath, Breathe in the air; don't be afraid to care ... And when I crumble I am left to pick up the pieces & recreate myself.  Leave but don't leave me ... Look around, choose your own ground.  And each and every time I recreate myself I am tempted to do it for real ... I want to leave ... let Rick die and just become Lenny or Robert Smith or John Doe.  A nameless face in a menial job in some run down hole of a town where nobody will ever know me balanced on the biggest wave you race toward an early grave. and I can just live out what is left of this pathetic existence and die.  

But I know the last time I tried to run away from myself Remember when you were young ... you shone like the sun that it didn't work ... and without doing something drastic it would not work if I tried again either.   So I guess I will just  Shine on you crazy diamond ...dust myself off.    In a moment I will paste a link to this entry and bare my soul for the world to see ...

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze. 

Come on you target for faraway laughter, 

come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the steel breeze.

Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Pile on many more layers and I'll be joining you there. Shine on you crazy diamond.

And we'll bask in the shadow of yesterday's triumph,  sail on the steel breeze.

Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,  come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine

And then I will go to sleep ...  to sleep per chance to dream ...  and if I am lucky, I will wake up in Sandy Hill at six years old with a lifetime of memories and a will not to make the same f-ing mistakes again.   But is more likely that I will wake up a day older with all the same problems and grief in my world.    And either way I should be thankful because every day I wake up breathing is a good day  .... or at least I keep telling myself that.  I hope its not another lie. 

Sigh

I'm having one of those "challenging" months.   You know how that goes? Right?

I know that I will survive and that things will improve but it is still frustrating.   I don't know why I expected that by this point in my life that I MIGHT have some of the trappings of success ... you know the trappings American dream and all that ...  But, somehow the country and maybe even the world sold out on me.  The rich are getting richer the poor are getting vocal.

I guess "my Bible told me so"  are words that offer little comfort.  I certainly hope that my faith is more of a comfort.

Mad, Sad, Glad & Afraid

Those are how you try to label the world { I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in I am lost . . . I am helpless It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. }  when you don't know any other way.  Today I am SAD;  technically the term is depression.   I am lethargic, not hungry, & I hurt all over.  The symptoms may change today, or tomorrow  ... whenever.  

I've been here before; {  I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. }  I know what it is now.  I have developed tools to cope with this and I know that I can survive this. It does not make it any easier when it come on like it does.  It does not change the fact that it can feel overwhelming ... { I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in . . . it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. }  but I know now that there is hope.

And it is in the knowing that I find my solution.  I know that I will survive & I know that when I have survived it will have been my doing that got me there.  I will have done the work.  { I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. }   I will have been the source - well, me & my faith in my HP.  So I get out of bed.

Yes, I get out of bed.  I pray, I shower (maybe tomorrow I will shave & possibly feel like eating something) I spent a few moments cleaning up the chaos in my bedroom.  I will journal, and read some recovery literature.   I will read something else for pleasure, too.  I will pick up the phone and call someone (reach out for support, comfort or help) ... and then I will call someone else just to tell them that I love them. I will be gentle with myself  ...Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself...  { I walk down another street. }   I will make a list of things for which I am  { "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" By Portia Nelson & Sandra for sharing it with me before she left }  grateful.  And when the day is done, I will reflect on my day & say thanks to my HP for another day filled with blessings.

And tomorrow ... tomorrow will dawn filled with promise and hope.  However, even if it does not happen immediately I know that I can survive & that IT WILL!   So today I am

If you are reading this, know that you are loved.  Rest assured that not only are you loved but somewhere out there someone needs to know that you care and that they matter - call them and ask them what's up.  Out of the BLUE there are so many wonders and gifts ... both for the taking  ... --- ... & for the Giving!  Be well!  

Today ... are we done yet?

Today is the first day in a very long time that I wish I could "numb-out" [ I remember when you were down & you needed a helping hand ...] and forget all of my problems.   I am a long time member of a 12-step fellowship and have considerable clean time, [I came to feed you but now that I need you you won't give me a second glance ....] but today I long for the simplicity of the quick fix.    

This too shall pass and [now I'm calling all citizens from all over the world ... --- ... This is Captain America calling ... ] I will greet tomorrow as I greeted today.   I will have one more day of clean-time under my belt and a clean slate, but for a moment [I bailed you out when you were down on your knees so won't you catch me now, I'm Falling ...] I actually did feel like escaping.

My heart is physically tired.  My teeth hurt - even the ones that have long since been extracted seem to ache.   I'm sad & I feel a great deal of hopelessness. [Help Me Now I'm Calling You !!!  Catch me now I'm Falling!!!] I wonder and worry about tomorrow knowing that I can barely keep a handle on today.  As a youth I never expected to be worried about having enough when I got "here".   Now that I am "here" [ ... its in your hands its up to you ... catch me now I'm fallin' ...] I wonder if I will be able to live honourably long enough to die that way.    

Deep inside me is a man who believes in all that is "Good & Right"  ... Long Live The Once & Future King! ...  I am pretty certain he is almost mad, but I admire & respect him for his courage and his convictions.  Oh Wait, he is ME!   I respect me for my courage, convictions & tenacity.    I believe that my HP does not offer me challenges that I am not equipped for & capable of dealing with.   So I guess I will just buck up and do the next right thing ...  after all that is what I do

Whatever It Takes.