What motivates you ???

What motivates you to drag yourself out of bed from day to day?   How do you face the world?  How do you really feel about your life?


I only ask because I find myself frequently wanting to escape.   I would love to just walk away and forget that I ever existed ...  You see, I'm well beyond where you expect that you would start having some of the creature comforts of life & still I barely eek out an existence.   Financially I am no better off than I was when I used to try and stretch my paycheque out over two weeks  ... Somehow I needed to ensure that I didn't come down for too long.    And that worked for a while  ...  but I never could get ahead.

Many, many years ago, I quit doing dope & gave up drinking but life is still a tedious chain of pathetic financial mismanagement.   And I am getting tired.  

In my youth I had the insanity ... I could just imagine that everything was fine.  I had hope, and always believed that some day I would be okay.  When I got my sh_t together, life would be better.   When I met "that right woman" I wouldn't feel this endless loneliness and we'd live happily ever after in "perfect love & perfect trust.     I would have a decent job & I wouldn't have to worry about money any more - I would have some security.

FFS  !!!!   When did I get old?    And where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is my "happily ever after"?    Why have I lived my life like this?     Every a-hole I ever met own his own house; they drive a car ... and always have all of the trappings of success.  On the outside they look happy.    I have no idea what they FEEL  because I couldn't be bothered asking them.  I don't like a-holes.

But where is my happy ending?    And why am I so tired - at the level of my soul?  I am exhausted; I'm tired of sitting on top of "Ricky Redskin" (ricky retardo)     ... always making sure that the rage doesn't get the better of me  ... That I don't beat the living sh_t out of the next person who dares to try and make me feel unworthy.   FFS, I am tired of eating sh_t and smiling ...   and I'm tired of being taken for granted.  

Deep inside is a small part of me that almost wishes that on that day when I made a choice not to stab that guy ... a part of me still shouts "that was your first mistake"!    And I know that if I had stabbed that guy, my life would have been different.

In all honesty, it would not have been better; but it would have been very different.

I'm tired;  so very, very tired.

P.S.:  
Less than an hour later, I'm listening to "In The Living Years"  and I'm reminded the  ... --- ...

If you don't give up & you't give in, you may just be okay!