Mad, Sad, Glad & Afraid

Those are how you try to label the world { I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in I am lost . . . I am helpless It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. }  when you don't know any other way.  Today I am SAD;  technically the term is depression.   I am lethargic, not hungry, & I hurt all over.  The symptoms may change today, or tomorrow  ... whenever.  

I've been here before; {  I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. }  I know what it is now.  I have developed tools to cope with this and I know that I can survive this. It does not make it any easier when it come on like it does.  It does not change the fact that it can feel overwhelming ... { I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in . . . it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. }  but I know now that there is hope.

And it is in the knowing that I find my solution.  I know that I will survive & I know that when I have survived it will have been my doing that got me there.  I will have done the work.  { I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. }   I will have been the source - well, me & my faith in my HP.  So I get out of bed.

Yes, I get out of bed.  I pray, I shower (maybe tomorrow I will shave & possibly feel like eating something) I spent a few moments cleaning up the chaos in my bedroom.  I will journal, and read some recovery literature.   I will read something else for pleasure, too.  I will pick up the phone and call someone (reach out for support, comfort or help) ... and then I will call someone else just to tell them that I love them. I will be gentle with myself  ...Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself...  { I walk down another street. }   I will make a list of things for which I am  { "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" By Portia Nelson & Sandra for sharing it with me before she left }  grateful.  And when the day is done, I will reflect on my day & say thanks to my HP for another day filled with blessings.

And tomorrow ... tomorrow will dawn filled with promise and hope.  However, even if it does not happen immediately I know that I can survive & that IT WILL!   So today I am

If you are reading this, know that you are loved.  Rest assured that not only are you loved but somewhere out there someone needs to know that you care and that they matter - call them and ask them what's up.  Out of the BLUE there are so many wonders and gifts ... both for the taking  ... --- ... & for the Giving!  Be well!